A year of heartache

    I decided that my blog should include all the nitty gritty stuff that makes me who I am. So, just a warning : this post may have some material that is not suitable for all ears. Anyhow. I was married on April 2, 2005. Before marriage I was a virgin because I was raised in a very religious household. I was fine with that. I was very proud of the fact that I was still so 'pure' and 'innocent' in this day and age. It was'nt until after I was married and introduced to a world including sex that I realized that I was a very troubled young woman.
     I loved my husband very much. I just never seemed to be able to get into enjoying sex. It always seemed like a chore I had to do to please my husband. I didnt really like kissing either. What was wrong with me???
    Late in 2006 I finally admitted to myself something which I'd kept locked in my mind for years and years. It took a long time but I finally had to admit that the events that occurred when I was a little girl may have had more of an impact than I'd 1st thought. Even now I hate even saying it. It still seems unreal. But I have memories which refuse to go away. I keep telling myself that it wasnt a big deal. So many people have been through so much worse and yet they cope with it. Omg! Just say it! Okay....when I was 9 years old I was molested my my father.
    There. I said it. It happened. I still remember when my dad used to come into my room at night and lie down with me. He would snuggle very close to me and put his arms around me.  That  by itself was strange because my family was never the lovey dovey hugging type of family. Ofcourse, I also remember how his hands would creep under my shirt. His hands seemed to be everywhere.  I remember trying to pull down my shirt. I felt so dirty....so ugly. But I never said no...I never said stop....I never said a word.I would lie awake just waiting for him to leave.  It seemed like forever before he did. One night I locked the door so he could'nt come in. My parents were banging on the door the next morning to wake me and my sister for church. When we finally heard and opened the door I could tell from the look on his face that he knew why that door was locked. He dismissed everyone from the room and sat down to have a talk with me. It seemed like such a long talk. I remember feeling embarrassed. He had his excuses. He blamed his time in prison. He said he couldnt help looking at me. I didnt care about his excuses.  All that mattered was that his nightly trips to my bed at night stopped. But our relationship  was never right.
    After I finally admitted the molestation I went into a deep depression. I was sad and angry a lot. I loved my husband so much. I hated myself for not being a better wife to him. Pretty soon I started telling myself that he would be better off without me. In May of 07 I tried to commit suicide. I took almost 30 prescription migraine pills. I must not of been thinking right because I thought I would still be able to go work before I died. I was in a car accident on the way to work. I was in a comotose state for a whole day. The last thing I remember is leaving the apt in the morning and waking up in the ICU that night. I was put on suicide watch. I was never left alone. There was always someone in the room with me...even if I went to the bathroom.Every few hour a nurse took my blood. By the time I left the hospital my arms were black and blue.
    After leaving the hospital I was sent to a phyc unit a few blocks away. I had to share a room with an old lady who snored. Most of the people there were drug addicts. We had alot of group therapy sessions. We had to play stupid games, etc, etc, etc. I wasnt allowed visitors except for 30 minutes once a day. Therapists, social workers, and doctors were always asking nosy questions. I was only there for 2 1/2 days but it felt like forever. When I left I cant even descibe to you the feeling of finally being free.
    After that ordeal I scheduled a visit to a counselor just like I was reccommended. I was also put on anti-depressants. But it took awhile to fing one that actually worked. Stay tuned for more.......