My Letter

My Letter
Current mood: numb
Category: Life

In my last blog I told you that my father wrote me a letter of apolagy. However, there is so much that he didnt say in his letter. He seems to think that all our problems stem from his refusing to attend my wedding. Actually our problems go back much farther. Yes, he said he was sorry. Yes, it was a very sweet letter. But at what cost. It took my almost dying for him to utter those words. And he couldnt even say them in person. Is he really sorry or is it just guilt speaking? I also have to consider that I'm very fragile right now. I need to think of my mental health. So here is my response to his letter:

To my father:
I really dont know what to say. Your letter came as a complete shock to me. I want you to know that I've thought of you often. There have been so many times that I've thought of going over there to say Hi. You are my father and I will always love you. But I'm not ready to see you yet. I'm sorry but I am not the strong person that your letter makes me out to be.

I dont want to make you unhappy but I think its time you hear from me how I feel. This is so much more than just a missed wedding. I did not have a happy childhood. I know now that thats partly because I suffer from depression. Who knows how long I've suffered from this illness. But also I've had unhappy and traumatic memories hiding in the back of my mind. I think this all started when I revealed that I still remember those nights when you entered my room when I was a child. Now I cant even think of you without thinking of that also. Its to the point that I cant even remember any of the good memories right now. I'm told that thats a symptom of PTSD.

Dad, I love you but I'm also scared of you. I'm scared that if I see you I will crumble and break. I dont want to be that scared little girl anymore. I was always so afraid of displeasing you. I want to be strong but I'm afraid that this illness called depression will win. The only thing keeping me alive right now is Bryan. Part of me really wishes that those pills had done what they were supposed to do. I dont want to be here but Bryan wants me to be here. So, I will do my best to live and to cope.

I wish I could see you. I wish we could be a big happy family. But the truth is that I've never really been part of a family. I wouldnt know how to deal with that.

Dad, I love you. I always have and I always will. I hope that one day we can get together and try to be a family. But right now I need to try to get stronger. I'm sorry. I hope my words haven't caused you any additional pain. That was not my intention.
-Becky-