Soooo stupid

    Shortly after I began taking my anti-depressants my husband's best friend moved to North Carolina. Bryan and Paul had been best friends since they were in the 1st grade of elementry school. I was close to him , too. Paul came over to our house at least once a week to hang out. We'd watch movies or play board games. We all kept in touch through myspace and instant messaging. We were like a trio of best friends. Somehow, things changed.
    Paul and I started talking more and more. Growing up I never had any friends. I was so happy to have some finally. But his comments got increasingly more sexual. I didnt stop him, though. I suppose I was flattered by the attention. Eventually, he asked me for a picture of myself only wearing under garments. I said no, but he kept asking and asking. I felt bad and didnt want to disappoint him. So, I did sent him a picture. What's strange is that this was'nt some secret affair. I was never attracted to Paul. He was one of the only friends I had. I didnt want to disappoint him. I told myself that I was just helping him out since he was in his early 20's and never had a girlfriend. I didnt think that I was doing anything wrong.
    From the very beginning I told Bryan everything. So, he was not left in the dark. He thought it was funny. He was like, " Paul can fantasize all he wants, but I have you." Therefore, I didnt feel any guilt. I thought I was just doing something nice for my good buddy, Paul. The sexual comments continued. He would ask about my sex life with Bryan and I would tell him about it. He tried to have an online sex chat but I didnt understand what he wanted so he dropped it. He'd ask for more and more pictures and I'd send them. He's ask for certain poses, or certain levels of nudity. No questions. I just did it. While all this took place I still told myself that I was doing a favor for Paul. Bryan was'nt kept in the dark so where's the harm?
    Then came the night when I was home alone. Paul and I were talking online again. A line was definetly crossed. I dont know how it came about but I ended up making the orgasm sounds over the phone for Paul. He made himself cum. Afterwards, it was like wow! Did I just do that? When Bryan came home that night I told him everything that happened. Finally, I got a negative reaction from him. He was pretty upset.
    It didnt hit me fully until a few days later when we were sitting down talking about it. I started crying uncontrollably. I begged Bryan to forgive me. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I begged Bryan to forgive Paul, too. I didnt want to be the cause of a friendship breaking up. A few days later Bryan started talking to Paul again. (I had already cut off all contact with Paul. I told him to never contact me again. And he never has.)
    Ofcourse, Bryan's friendship with Paul was never the same. Eventually, a few months later their friendship kinda just drifted away. Bryan says it wasnt my fault...that there were other factors. But I know better.