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I keep forgetting to write. Too tired, too lazy.
I've been a little off this week. Maybe manic?? I dont kno. I'm still getting used to this illness. Dont kno what to expect most days.
I find myself thinking of taking pills or cutting myself. I dont feel suicidal. I just want to do it to see what it feels like. Is that weird?
Another thing is the shopping urge is back really strong. I bought 6 computer games. I told my husband I bought two. Dont want to get him upset. And I still feel like its not enough. I want more.
The other thing thats off this week is I cant stop laughing. At anything. Last night my husband said ok, lets go to walgreens for some chocalate. I was like, yes! and i started laughing uncontrolligly(spelling?). And I mean not normal laughter but wicked whitch cackling type laughter. And then I started jumping up and down clapping. I've had lots of moments like that.
Oh and earlier this week I got mad at one of my bunnies because he sprayed me right in the face. That was disgusting. So I took him outside intent on 'freeing' him. Luckily my husband came home and saved Jesse.
I've just been having all these strange moments this week.

Dear Mind,
Someone gave me the real good idea to address my journal entries to 'dear God'. ...Okay. So ..how was my day??? I overslept as usual. Woke up at noon. The rushed over to my mother-in-law's house to do laundry. I was in a hurry because I had to be done by 4pm at the latest. It was ok. I was really hot. I mean this is Florida in June and I was wearing a long skirt with long sleeves. What was I thinking?? But I was out of clean clothes. We had'nt done laundry in two weeks. I dont really mind spending alot of time with my mother-in-law. I consider her my friend. But sometimes (dont mean to be rude) she talks too much. And lately I get annoyed easily. Could be because I'm so tired. And ofcourse she also takes Bryan's side. I'm sorry but I dont quite understand why he's so angry with me. I'm bipolar. Its a medical condition. Its not like I woke up one morning and said' I think I'll ruin Bryan's day by trying to kill myself'. no!! And why is always about him? He always thinks I'm trying to get back at him or something. I'm not. This is what  people dont get. I was perfectly fine for months, then one day I had a bad day and decided that the world would be  better without me in it. Simple as that. Sometimes I dont get it either. But the people around me are always blaming me and asking why? Why? why? How many times do I have to say I DONT KNOW!! I just felt like it. Geeze.
Omg! Totally went off there. Sorry. Anyhow, I did laundry then met my husband at home then we went to the gym. Thank God because I've gained so much weight thanks to the stupid depokote. Ugh! Afterwards we went grocery shopping and I didnt buy any sweets. Yay! Thats it for today. Bye! 
 
(cutting & pasting might help me keep up with all of my blogs)

ok. Remember the sites I mentioned yesterday?? Well, I really like one of them. Its the realmentalhealth one. I seem to be spending alot of time there. I had like 8 comments to my journal which I just posted last night. And almost everyone on there is bipolar. I dont kno if I can keep up with 2 or more journals. So..just in case here is the link to my journal over there:     http://social.realmentalhealth.com/myblogs/bb4205

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I had a therapy session with my new therapist, cleaned up a bit, then went to the gym for an hr. Afterwards we had dinner, showered and I went on the computer. I'm so excited. I found 4 great sites on bipolar disorder. They even have communities. I think this is so great. I might even meet people who are like me. I still have so many questions about this illness.

www.healthcentral.com
http://social.realmentalhealth.com/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/
http://www.dailystrength.org

Okay. First of all, I decided not to direct my entries to my father. Its too weird and just makes me angry. Secondly, as I was rereading some of my previous entries I realized I haven't updated my medical problems. I dont know if anyone actually reads my posts but I decided to update just in case.

Well, as mentioned I had another visit to my psychiatrist. I was still feeling a lot of anxiety and got depressed easily. So she upped my meds again. I'm still at 300 for my seroquel xr. However, my lamictal went from 100 to 200. I think its better. My moods been a lot better lately. Now my only problem is that I'm so tired almost all the time. Last week I saw my regular doctor. They drew blood because he wanted to check my thyroid level again. He's thinking of raising my synthroid medication from 50 to 75. But like a good doctor he wants to make sure first. Thats why they drew blood. Its been a week. I still haven't heard from them so I'll have to call them on Monday.

Last week I also met my new therapist. She's younger than my last therapist. ( the one who baker acted me. No way was I going back to see her.) Anyways. My new therapist, Barbara, is also a children's therapist. There's a lot of toys in her office. She talks kinda funny. Probaly because she's so used to dealing with kids. But once I got past that she was really nice. I was able to talk to her. And she didnt pressure me to talk during the silences. She'd give me a minute to think and if I didnt say anything then she'd ask a question. Thats what I liked about her. Because sometimes I find it difficult to talk. I do need to be drawn out with questions. With my last therapist the silences just seemed to go on and on. So, I set up my apt with Barbara to be every Monday. Hopefully, she can help me.

Okay. I think thats the last of my update.  My insurance company, aetna, has a sort of counseling service. I have a lady that calls me every few weeks to check up with me. She also sends me information and helps me find doctors. Well, she's the one who reccomended that I write everyday and have it directed to someone in particular, I do think its a good idea that I write everyday but I think its kinda weird to direct it to someone. I've had counselors and therapists in the past reccomend keeping a journal. One counselor even told me to write a letter to my Dad stating all my feelings but not to mail it. Well, I wroye the letter but I mailed it. That was way back when I wasnt talking to him. He replied, too. But it didnt turn out well. He still denies...everything. Anyhow, I will continue this online journal idea. I will try to write every day. I've never been good at that, tho. Even when I was younger and kept a diary. I only wrote once every couple of months. So, we'll see how this goes.

Ricardo-

Hello, Ricardo how's it going? I chose you to direct my journaling because I never had the courage to talk to you. I almost wish you could answer me back. I just dont understand. Was it just the drinking or did you really feel that way about me? Did you hate me? Did you really think I was a 13 year old whore? Did you think I was ugly and useless? You said so many hurtful things to me over the years. And you"ve never apolagized. Well I guess I'll never know.

Well, how good of a father were you when you pulled me out of school when I was 14 and then didnt bother to homeschool me.Oh, Ricardo. There are so many questions that I have? So many why"s? Why were you harder on me than you were on my other siblings.They both had babies at 16 yet you took them back in and paid for alot of the babies" neccessities. I, on the other hand wasnt allowed to even speak to another member of the opposite sex. You spied on me constantly. Always going through my things, reading my  diary. You even followed me to the movies or where ever I met my friends. You would continuously just 'bump into us'.Well, I'm tired.

Okay so its not actually a new idea. I've kept a journal for as long as i can remember. I think I was 12 or 13. I've got like 5 notebooks which I saved. ( I threw one away because it was too depressing) As I got older I started writing less and less. After I got married I pretty much stopped because Bry was a little weirded out. Well, now my therapist and counselors wants me to go back to journaling. They say that blogging is'nt the same as journaling.

Ok. So heres how its supposed to work: I'm supposed to write every single day no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Also, I'm supposed to write it as if I'm talking to a specific persn such as a deceased loved one, a fictional person or even a live person that I still know. I'm also supposed to keep a notebook and pencil by the bed to jot down any thoughts or dreams I may have throuh-out the night.

That last point is a good idea, I'm always having weird dreams or nightmares. Unfortunetly, I can never seem to remember them when I wake up.Now I just have to figure out who I will direct my writing to. Hmmm.... The person I'm closest to is my husband but it just seems kinda weird to direct this to him. I already tell him everything anyways. There is one person thats always there..always on my mind no matter how much I wish he'd go away. He's also the reason why I'm in therapy. That , ofcourse is my Dad. But I wont call him Dad. He's not deserving of that title.

I was never close to my father. I tried so hard to be good but he was never satisfied. Afterall, I was only a girl. According to him girls should be in the kitchen and should never have any opinions different than his.I should probaly end it now and start my 1st entry.

As mentioned earlier, last week (Monday), I was released from the Glens. I'd been in there about a week after I was baker acted by my therapist (now ex-therapist). Well, about 2 days after being home my cousin, Josh, calls me and asked if I wanted to go to Ohio to visit my cousin Marisa. At first I was really nervous. Afterall, I had just arrived home after a month of being gone. Things were not quite back to normal with my husband yet. And I've never been out of town w/o my husband before. But my cousin's husband wanted me to go as a surprise visit for Marisa. She was really upset by my latest hospital stay. He also offered to pay for the visit. Marisa'spretty much the only cousin that I'm actually close to. And I hadnt been able to visit her in the 3 yrs she's been living in Ohio. My husband is a workaholic. Its very difficult for him to get time off from work. A nd even he was encouraging me to go. So, on Thursday evening I met Josh at his job and off we went to Ohio.

We arrived in Ohio on Friday morning at about 9am. We mat at Lewis' job. He called Marisa with some excuse for her to get there. When she got there she was really surprised to see us, especially me. She hugged me and then she poked me. It was like she couldnt believe I was there. I could barely believe I was there. Wow.

Anyhow, we had a great time. We hung out with her friends playing video games the first night...went on a shopping spree the second day then off to a fancy Italian restaurant in Kentucky...the third day we went downtown. It was cool. I took lots of pictures and bought some souvenires. All in all I had a very good time. It was nice to not have to think about my problems for a few days.

When I finally got back home on Monday night I was exhausted and so glad to be back home. My husband must've missed me because he was so different when I git back...much more like the Bryan I first married. He seems to want to ignore the last month and the marital problems we had. I wasnt too happy at first but then decided to go along. Afterall, peace is always better than fighting. But in the back of my mind I'm always going to remember that he almost left me and our marriage. If I have another episode will he leave me for good? I dont know. I try not to think about it.

In other news, I had an apt with my pschycologist on Tuesday. Since I'm still feeling some anxiety she upped my seroquel xr from 150 to 300. My lamictal is still at 100. Today when I woke up I was really dizzy, that kinda made me nauseous. I felt better once I was out of bed. She did say I might feel weird at first but it should go away in like a week. All in all, I think I am doing a lot better. The suicidal feelings are gone now. I have a bit more energy for housework. So, hopefully I'm on the right meds and doses now. I have another apt next week. She wants to see how the new dose is working. So, we'll see. Hopefully no more changes.

Okay so in my last post I spoke of my hospitalization after my 3rd (and hopefully final) suicide attempt. I was there Saturday May 2nd to Friday May 8th. I was free for four days. Four awful days. Let me explain. When I was out of the hospital I went to stay with my mother-in-law because my husband was angry with me. It was a very confusing four days because sometimes he was nice to me. He was the Bryan that I first married. And he kept asking me to come back home. But most of the time he was very angry. We argued a lot. He made me cry a lot. I was an emotional wreck. I didnt know if my marriage was over.

On Wednesday May 13th I had a pre-scheduled appointment with my therapist. I spoke to her honestly hoping that she could help me. Instead she baker acted me. I was in complete shock. I thought therapy was supposed to help me not lock me up. Any way, as soon as she told me what she was gonna do I started texting so people would know what was happening and wouldnt think I took off or something. I told everyone that I was going back to Manatee Memorial because thats what she told me. As soon as the policeman arrived he confiscated my phone. I had to ride in the back like a common criminal. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever be in the back of a police car. The seats were hard and dirty. I did my best not to touch anything.then I looked out the window. It didnt take long before I realized that he wasnt taking me to Manatee Memorial Hospital. Oh God No! Pretty soon I was standing in front of Manatee Glens, my prison until yesterday.

I hated it there. I got there about noon. I had to wait in a very tiny room with lots of windows so they could watch me. The only thing in the room was two chairs. They brought me food. I dont know what it was. It looked like mush but tasted like chicken, maybe. There was no handle on the door, bars on the only window. No bathroom. I was trapped. I was in that tiny room until 6pm. Finally my real room was ready.

There was a plus. My aunt works there and she was on duty for the first two days that I was there. She was so nice to me. She bought me chocolate and sodas. She gave me her sweater since I was cold. She was nice and she was supportive. She and I had long talks. She is very spiritual so she reminded me that God will always love me. I felt a void on the days that she wasnt there.

I also made friends there. There was Sawyer the firefighter. She really shoulnt have been there. Her friends had her baker acted just because she was depressed one day and they knew she owned guns. There was also Marvin. He was there for anger management. He didnt seem angry to me, tho. He was the sweetest. He was just dealt a bad blow. Then there was William. Apparrantly his daughters grew up with Bryan. I've met them before briefly. I've never met him, though. Well, I guess he's Bipolar just like me. Thats what cost him his marriage 20 years ago. He's a very nice man , though. He's the same religion as me so he was a great asset. We talked a lot about God.

Even though I made a few friends there I still wasnt happy. I didnt like it there. It was so much stricter than Manatee Memorial. The door to our rooms locked automatically behind us. We were'nt allowed to keep them open. So anytime we had to use the bathroom or get something we had to get one of the techs to open the door. Sometimes they were too busy and we'd have to wait. We had to attend meetings 3 times a day which were really boring. The only one I liked was the art one. That one was only twice a week, though. It was just so annoying being there. Especially since I felt I didnt belong there this time.

The days were long. The longer I was there the more depressed I got. It didnt help that Bryan didnt call me for three days. Then he finally came to visit me on Saturday and we spent the entire visit fighting. On top of that all the meds had me so tired and listless. Yesterday was a very long day. I woke up at 1:30 am because my roomate felldown. She is an alcoholic. She is in a wheelchair and not so steady on her feet. Although, she insists she doesnt need the wheelchair. Anyhow she fell down in the bathroom so I went to get help. Then I went back to sleep. We got woken back up at 6am for vitals. After vitals is breakfast. Everyone lines up and gets their tray. After a little while I notice that everyone is eating except for Donna(my roomate). So I ask her if she wanted me to get her tray. She said yes. So I go to get it and then one of the techs is suddenly there snapping at me. 'What'll you think your doing? You cant do that.' I told him I was just getting Donnas food since she didnt have it yet. 'well, you cant do that.'he snapped again. so i go back in. by this time I was very upset. I wait a little while but then decide enough is enough. I start to approach the nurses station The same tech from before yells at me again. Tells me I cant go near the nurses station. It takes all the courage I can muster but I tell him I want to speak to the head nurse and it was important. He's like the head nurse is busy you can talk to her. and he points to med nurse. Another patient was sitting right in front of her so I thought maybe she was busy, too. I was about to ask if she was busy when he snapped'well, i thought you were gonna talk to her.' so I moved forward. I dont know why that Tony guy has to be so mean. I didnt do anything bad. Anyways I told the nurse that I wanted to leave. She starts to ramble on saying that I cant do that even though the baker act has now expired and I'm under voluntary. She starts to dismiss me and I'm like no way. I'm not stupid( note:if i'm talking back like this then you know I'm really frustrated). I have been in places like this enough times to know the rules. There's a form I can sign stating that I feel I am ready to leave. My doctor will then have 24 hours to decide if it is safe for me to go.She looked less than pleased but she got the form and we both signed it. Right after dealing with her I asked the other med nurse(it was shift change time) for an anxiety pill. She asked what was wrong and I told her about Tony. Then a week of frustration finally surfaced. I started crying right there in front of everyone. After that I paced the halls for a little bit and then took a nap. a little bit later in the day I was informed that I would be discharged. A couple hours after that I was discharched. Yes! Freedom at last!

 I cannot possibly explain how good it feels to finally leave a place like. The day befre I had told Bryan That I would come back home so thats where I went. Everyone has decided that I should not be left alone for awhile just to be on the safe side. Susan, my mother in law was with me today and I'm expexting her tomorrow. Today all I did was clean and organize. Tomorrow I have to do laundry. We also bought a ton of puzzles, crayons, paint, sudoku. I gotta find ways to keep busy, keep my mind occupied.

Oh, I almost forgot. The new doctor I saw, Dr. Crockett, changed my meds. He completely took me off of topomax. He increased my lamyctal(spelling?) from 25 to 100. And I still have my seroquel at 100. Today I felt so weird. I find it hard to talk. I'm stuttering. I have never in my life had a problem with stuttering. Its annoying. But other than that I think it might be ok. I actually had energy today. I got a lot done.

Well, its happened again. Today I was released from the hospital after another suicide attempt. It wasn't so bad this time. I didnt know that depokote wouldnt cause coma. Also I was interrupted so I only got to take a little over 15 pills. I didnt even pass out this time. I was awake for the entire experience. Yuck! What a bummer! Anyhow, the police came and asked a few questions. Then I had to ride in an ambulance to the hospital. They put an oxygen mask on me while the incompetent EMS technician fumbled with her needle trying to draw my blood. Actually she only succeeded in giving me horrible bruises. They drew my blood properly when I arrived at the hospital. After that I had to drink this awful charcoal which looked like black tar and tasted like chalky glue. It didnt take me long to throw that up all over myself, the floor, the bed, and the poor nurse's shoes.(that wasnt supposed to happen by the way. its supposed to have the opposite affect)So then I had to drink another cup of the dreaded charcoal. Luckily this time I kept it down. Not long after I went to the bathroom over and over and over and over again. It was disgustingly black. Anyhow, all of this occurred on saturday night.
The next morning I was moved to The Center for Behavioral Health at the same hospital. I stayed there until today which is Friday. While there I met with Doctor O, a social worker, and a recreational therapist everyday. Doctor O gave me a test and has finally diagnosed me officially as being Bipolar stage 2. He has changed my meds to ones that he thinks will work better. So lets hope it works.
 I think I've been pretty well put together. But really, on the inside, I've felt like crying so bad. Sometimes I gave in. I just dont know what to do. Bryan has told me many times in the past that he would not put up with another suicide attempt. This is the 3rd one. Now Bryan is not kicking me to the curb or anything like that. He says he still loves me and wants me to come home. But I'm afraid. I dont think I can just go back to everything being the way it was the way it was before. Something has to change. I have a bad feeling that this isnt the last time. If thats true I dont want Bryan to be around. He's been hurt enough. Maybe we should split up. Maybe he should be with a nice normal girl. And I should just be alone forever. I dont like sex anyways. My Dad cured me of that. I could get a job and get a little efficciency. And Bryan could get on with his life.I dont know. I'm so confused right now.