bb4205’s blog

Just some idle talk

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:18:30 -0800

First of all, what is twitter? I dont get get it. But it seems to be everwhere. I mean, I dont really care what so-and-so is doing through out the day. And if anyone knew what I was doing every minute of my day I'm sure they would be bored out of their minds. I just dont get it.

I wonder if I could use this site as my journal. Just to talk for no apparent reason. That would probaly be boring, a waste of space. I dont even really have anything good to say. Sometimes I just feel like talking. Maybe its because I have'nt seen my therapist in a few months. Maybe I should call her.

Anyways, today is day 1 of my diet. I'm doing my husbands 3 hour diet. He lost 30lbs on it so hopefully I can too. I also decided to start a food diary(not here, dont worry. on paper). i also plan on going to the gym everyday. I hope I can stick to this diet. I've always been bad at dieting.

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Posted on December 16, 2009

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:17:20 -0800

Ok, so its happened again. I guess I forgot a few doses. I was so busy helping my sister with her move to NY. (we made up. yay!) Anyway, the day after her flight I was like 'oops'. I started taking my pills again but I guess it was too late. I started to notice things. Like I couldnt stay off the computer. I didnt want to sleep. The major one was the spending. I'm not supposed to spend any money online. Its been an issue with us before so we agreed on this rule. I've been sticking to it very well for months but all of a sudden there I was buying stupid things. (One good note though: In the past I've always attempted or thought seriously about suicide. I dont know why my mind always goes in that direction when I'm manic but it does. Anyways, after a couple of days I told my husband he should lock up all the pills again because I thought I might be manic. So he did. He only left me with 3 days worth of my meds.) That night I was very stupid once again. I for some strange reason thought I would be all passed the manic if I took extra medication. So, that night I took 1 exra Lamictal and 1 extra Seroquel. Omg. That was a huge mistake. The next day I was so dizzy I couldnt even walk. And I ended up sleeping 18 hours straight. When I woke up my husband went out to get us some food. When he got back he rang the doorbell. I guess his hands were full. So I went to answer the door but I was still a little dizzy. I fell down and hit my head on the side of the end table. But dont worry, I got right back up and aswered the door. I told him I fell. He ignored me and started to eat. I was annoyed and asked if he even cared that I fell. I mean he didnt even ask if I was ok. He got mad and said "you're the dumbass that fell". I ,ofcourse, started to cry(geeze, I'm annoying when I'm manic!). I was going to storm out and go lay down but instead I fell down again and spilled the soda.My way too nice husband cleaned the mess and helped me to the bed. He even apolagized. Omg, I so do not deserve him. We watched tv a little then went to bed. He woke up early and went to work. I overslept and immediately went to the computer and spent more money. By the time my husband came home I was full of guilt. I confessed all the spending. I spent a little over $250 in my online spending. He got very upset. He screamed and yelled and punched a hole in the wall. This all shows how upset he was because Bry is not the type that raises his voice. A little bit later when we were both calm we hugged and he said it was ok, that it wasnt a lot of money. To me, that was a lot of money. But I wasnt going to object. The next day(which was yesterday) everthing was much better. I didnt feel an urge to shop (ofcouse it helped that Bry took my card). I had an apt with my primary doc. My thyroid test was a lot better. But now he wants me lose 10lbs by my next apt. Omg! I'm really scared. I hope I can do it. I'm feeling back to normal now. I just want to focus on my weight now. I'm going to make more use of my gym membership. And my husband just lost 30lbs. He wants me to go on the 3 hour diet. To me its kinda weird to be eating so much but I guess I'll give it a try.

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Posted on August 19, 2009

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:14:37 -0800

It seems everyone is extremely worried about me. But I want to assure everyone that I'm fine. I tend to only write on my bad days since this is my way of venting. Unfortunetly, this means that you dont get to see me on my good days, or at least on my ok days. Last couple weeks I feel ok..not at all suicidal and only slightly depressed. Yes, death has been on my mind lately, but not because I want to die. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. But death seems to be all around me. I've had 4 suicide attemps, been baker acted 5 times. ( all this in only a little over 2 years) I think that gives me cause to be worried. Besides, the main reason death has been on my mind lately is because I've been reading this book: Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. Its mostly statistics and the history of suicide. But it made my husband nervous so I stopped reading it. But after reading a few chapters this made me start thinking about whether or not I should have a will.
I'm still new to this whole being bipolar thing. I used to think I was like this because of my not so good childhood. But now, about 4 psychiatrists have told me that I'm polar. In these last 2 years I've been on a lot of medications and different doses such as: wellbutrin, paxil, xanax, depokote, topomax, and currently lamictal with seroquel xr. And I still dont think I've got it right yet.
I really really hate being bipolar. Almost immedietly I was labeled as 'crazy'. And this is by own family. I even had an aunt tell me that bipolar and all mental illnesses are not real. She told me I just need to talk it out with my Dad and then I'll be better. My husband seems to think that I just need to find the right meds and then I'll be cured forever. I hate changing meds all the time. I've gained 40 LBS since this whole thing started. Also,my last 2 suicide attempts were blamed on a bad med combo by all the docs involved.
And yes I know that my mood is all over the place. And I hate it everytime I lose control of them. Because then I have to apolagize and I feel really bad but cant change the past. So yes I know I'm a big mess right now but I'm trying to be as normal as I can. I dont think I need a babysitter( like my close friends seem to think). I dont like taking my meds, seeing all these doctors, and going to therapy but I do it. I really am trying. I just feel like I'm being smothered by all my well-meaning friends. And I will continue to write because it makes me feel better.

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Posted on August 15, 2009

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:11:35 -0800

Its been almost 2 weeks since the incident with my sister. I'm doing better than I was that night but I still cant get ahold of my emotions. Last Sunday was a really bad day. I wont say much because I dont want to hurt any ones feelings.It started out out with me being really tired. I just wanted to be left alone and spend my day in peace. But my loved ones seemed to think there was more to it. I felt like I was trapped, like I was letting everyone down. I became really upset. I needed to vent, or let out my emotions in some other way. I started crying and then I started punching my pillow. I was starting to feel a little better but then I saw a small glass bowl on my dresser. I dont know, I just felt like I had to throw it. Afterwards I felt scared. What had come over me. I havent been this emotional in years. So I called another friend to stay with me. But I was so emotional that I was thinking strait. When she arrived I autonatically started to hate myself. Why did she have to come? I can take care of myself, cant I ?Omg! It was just a crazy day.

I've felt fine since then. But I still feel like I could crack any minute. I think that I need more meds. Maybe a higher dosage of lamictal. Also I just got out of the hospital about a month ago. That could be part of it too.

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Posted on August 5, 2009

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:08:57 -0800

I cant sleep. Every time I close my eyes bad things happen.
Earlier tonight the worst thing happened. My entire world shattered. My sister who I loved dearly hasnt spoken to me or come near me since I started to discover I was/ am biplar.I've been hospitalized 4 times now. She hasnt been there for me for any of them. Then out of the blue today she texted me. Yes. I was so happy. Maybe, finally we could start mending our relationship. but no. she doesnt want that. Instead she says she wants me to stay away from her children. Can u believe that!? I love my niece and nephew so much. I have no children of my own so I've always thought and loved them as though they were my own. since I started having my problems I havent asked sarah if either of them could come over. I havent even been alone with either of her kids for over a year. Now she tells me that I can never see her kids again unless I'm supervised by another adult. I cant believe this is happening.
I feel as though my life is over. I just want to curl up and die. How could she ever for even a second think I would hurt them or anybody for that matter.
When I got the text I felt like I couldnt breath. I started crying so hard I thought I might pass out. When I stopped crying enough so I could talk I called her. I was very upset. I yelled a lot at first. She kept cutting me off and interrupting. I really hate it when people interrupt me. makes me so angry. I had to yell really loud before she shut up and let me talk. I tried to explain that I wasnt myself. I tried to explain the bipolar illness. I offered to send her a book. No. She doesnt like to read. Instead she told me that I'm crazy and untrustworthy.
She said she'd been thinking about this for a while and has come to this conclusion. I know my sister. Once she makes her mind up about something she wont change her mind no matter what anybody says. And if I try to change her mind again she'll just hate me.
I told her fine. What could I do? She's their mother. My heart is now broken in two. Its as bad as if she told me they were dead. In a way they are. I can only see them in passing now. I know my mom. She has always been a people pleaser. She wont do anthing to displease Sarah. So my fate is sealed. My neice and nephew are practically out of my life.
So I told her that from this day forth she is no longer my sister. I will not contact her again. I erased her phone number from my phone.
After I hung up with her I called my mom. I told her what happened. She was shocked. She said a few encouraging words. Then I called my friend SH. She's the most encouraging. She even prayed with me. I told her I didnt want to be left alone tomorro. I dont tust myself. She said she'd pick me up as soon as I wake up. After that I called my mother-in-law. I told her what hppened too. She also made a few encouraging comment. I dont know why I felt the need to call all my friends right now. I think I just needed somebody to tell me that I'm not crazy.

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I'm Back!..August 1,2009

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:07:27 -0800

Ok, I'm back. I was gone quite a while. I found a couple of bipolar sites which kept me busy and very interested for a while. The best one was www.healthcental.com or www.bipolarconnect.com (my name on there is bb4205) http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/406881/profile They are both the same place. Not only could I share and interact with others who have mental illnesses but the site provided information on all kinds of topics. Anyhow, I'm gonna copy my posts from that site to kinda catch up. So much has happened. Wow, where to begin?

The following was written: August 1, 2009

Well I just got out of the hospital yesterday after a week. I guess I shouldnt be surprised. Cutting myself shouldve been a major sign that I was going in a very bad direction. I have never cut myself before and could never quite understand why anyone would want to do that to themself. But then one day I decided to do it just to see if I could. Stupid, I kno. I wasnt even depressed..just a passing whim. Well the very next day another passing whim occured. My prescribed meds are locked up in my husbands safe. So instead I took everything in our medicine cabinet: cold meds, tylenol, aspirin, sleeping pills..eveything. It didnt take long for me to feel very sleepy. I layed down on the living room floor with my fave blanket and fell asleep. When my husband got home he tried to wake me. I got very scared and tried to get away from him. He asked me what I took but I couldnt answer him. He went to the trash and found all the packets. He said thats it were going to the hospital. I could barely walk..soo dizzy. When we got to the hospital he put me in a wheel chair. I could barely move. I could see and hear everything that was going on around me but I couldnt respond or move. They took me straight to the er. eventually I stopped being able to understand why they were giving me shots and forcing me to wear oxygen, etc. I started fighting the nurses as much as my body would allow. I kept taking off the oxygen and other items. Later I started throwing up but they wouldnt give me water. I was like this all night. I was very tired but wouldnt allow myself to go to sleep. I was afraid if I fell asleep I wouldnt wake up. Eventually they took me up to ICU. By the next day I was feeling more myself. I was in ICU for 2 days then moved to the behavior unit. Was there 3 days. I had same doc as last time. They said that they think the paxil shoved me into mania. I was upset at my psych doc. Wont see her again. 2nd time I'm in hospital cuz of meds she put me on. The hospital doc- docter o is going to br my doc now. He seems very knowledgeable. He is up to date on all the studies in his field. He upped my lamictal and my synthroid. He said normal thyroid level is around 4. I am at 16. May be why I gained so much weight so rapidly. He said he thinks I need to go to a special docter that specializes in this.
This is my 4th suicide attempt. Only a little over 2 months since my last one. I'm very worried. When will this stop??

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Manic??

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 08:58:54 -0700

I keep forgetting to write. Too tired, too lazy.
I've been a little off this week. Maybe manic?? I dont kno. I'm still getting used to this illness. Dont kno what to expect most days.
I find myself thinking of taking pills or cutting myself. I dont feel suicidal. I just want to do it to see what it feels like. Is that weird?
Another thing is the shopping urge is back really strong. I bought 6 computer games. I told my husband I bought two. Dont want to get him upset. And I still feel like its not enough. I want more.
The other thing thats off this week is I cant stop laughing. At anything. Last night my husband said ok, lets go to walgreens for some chocalate. I was like, yes! and i started laughing uncontrolligly(spelling?). And I mean not normal laughter but wicked whitch cackling type laughter. And then I started jumping up and down clapping. I've had lots of moments like that.
Oh and earlier this week I got mad at one of my bunnies because he sprayed me right in the face. That was disgusting. So I took him outside intent on 'freeing' him. Luckily my husband came home and saved Jesse.
I've just been having all these strange moments this week.

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Dear Mind!?

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:39:45 -0700

Dear Mind,
Someone gave me the real good idea to address my journal entries to 'dear God'. ...Okay. So ..how was my day??? I overslept as usual. Woke up at noon. The rushed over to my mother-in-law's house to do laundry. I was in a hurry because I had to be done by 4pm at the latest. It was ok. I was really hot. I mean this is Florida in June and I was wearing a long skirt with long sleeves. What was I thinking?? But I was out of clean clothes. We had'nt done laundry in two weeks. I dont really mind spending alot of time with my mother-in-law. I consider her my friend. But sometimes (dont mean to be rude) she talks too much. And lately I get annoyed easily. Could be because I'm so tired. And ofcourse she also takes Bryan's side. I'm sorry but I dont quite understand why he's so angry with me. I'm bipolar. Its a medical condition. Its not like I woke up one morning and said' I think I'll ruin Bryan's day by trying to kill myself'. no!! And why is always about him? He always thinks I'm trying to get back at him or something. I'm not. This is what people dont get. I was perfectly fine for months, then one day I had a bad day and decided that the world would be better without me in it. Simple as that. Sometimes I dont get it either. But the people around me are always blaming me and asking why? Why? why? How many times do I have to say I DONT KNOW!! I just felt like it. Geeze.
Omg! Totally went off there. Sorry. Anyhow, I did laundry then met my husband at home then we went to the gym. Thank God because I've gained so much weight thanks to the stupid depokote. Ugh! Afterwards we went grocery shopping and I didnt buy any sweets. Yay! Thats it for today. Bye!

(cutting & pasting might help me keep up with all of my blogs)

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I might be gone for awhile...

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:12:10 -0700

ok. Remember the sites I mentioned yesterday?? Well, I really like one of them. Its the realmentalhealth one. I seem to be spending alot of time there. I had like 8 comments to my journal which I just posted last night. And almost everyone on there is bipolar. I dont kno if I can keep up with 2 or more journals. So..just in case here is the link to my journal over there: http://social.realmentalhealth.com/myblogs/bb4205

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3rd Journal Entry

nobody@vox.com(bb4205) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:46:50 -0700

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I had a therapy session with my new therapist, cleaned up a bit, then went to the gym for an hr. Afterwards we had dinner, showered and I went on the computer. I'm so excited. I found 4 great sites on bipolar disorder. They even have communities. I think this is so great. I might even meet people who are like me. I still have so many questions about this illness.

www.healthcentral.com
http://social.realmentalhealth.com/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/
http://www.dailystrength.org

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