5 posts tagged “bipolar disorder”

Ok, so its happened again. I guess I forgot a few doses. I was so busy helping my sister with her move to NY. (we made up. yay!) Anyway, the day after her flight I was like 'oops'. I started taking my pills again but I guess it was too late. I started to notice things. Like I couldnt stay off the computer. I didnt want to sleep. The major one was the spending. I'm not supposed to spend any money online. Its been an issue with us before so we agreed on this rule. I've been sticking to it very well for months but all of a sudden there I was buying stupid things. (One good note though: In the past I've always attempted or thought seriously about suicide. I dont know why my mind always goes in that direction when I'm manic but it does. Anyways, after a couple of days I told my husband he should lock up all the pills again because I thought I might be manic. So he did. He only left me with 3 days worth of my meds.) That night I was very stupid once again. I for some strange reason thought I would be all passed the manic if I took extra medication. So, that night I took 1 exra Lamictal and 1 extra Seroquel. Omg. That was a huge mistake. The next day I was so dizzy I couldnt even walk. And I ended up sleeping 18 hours straight. When I woke up my husband went out to get us some food. When he got back he rang the doorbell. I guess his hands were full. So I went to answer the door but I was still a little dizzy. I fell down and hit my head on the side of the end table. But dont worry, I got right back up and aswered the door. I told him I fell. He ignored me and started to eat. I was annoyed and asked if he even cared that I fell. I mean he didnt even ask if I was ok. He got mad and said "you're the dumbass that fell". I ,ofcourse, started to cry(geeze, I'm annoying when I'm manic!). I was going to storm out and go lay down but instead I fell down again and spilled the soda.My way too nice husband cleaned the mess and helped me to the bed. He even apolagized. Omg, I so do not deserve him. We watched tv a little then went to bed. He woke up early and went to work. I overslept and immediately went to the computer and spent more money. By the time my husband came home I was full of guilt. I confessed all the spending. I spent a little over $250 in my online spending. He got very upset. He screamed and yelled and punched a hole in the wall. This all shows how upset he was because Bry is not the type that raises his voice. A little bit later when we were both calm we hugged and he said it was ok, that it wasnt a lot of money. To me, that was a lot of money. But I wasnt going to object. The next day(which was yesterday) everthing was much better. I didnt feel an urge to shop (ofcouse it helped that Bry took my card). I had an apt with my primary doc. My thyroid test was a lot better. But now he wants me lose 10lbs by my next apt. Omg! I'm really scared. I hope I can do it. I'm feeling back to normal now. I just want to focus on my weight now. I'm going to make more use of my gym membership. And my husband just lost 30lbs. He wants me to go on the 3 hour diet. To me its kinda weird to be eating so much but I guess I'll give it a try.

I keep forgetting to write. Too tired, too lazy.
I've been a little off this week. Maybe manic?? I dont kno. I'm still getting used to this illness. Dont kno what to expect most days.
I find myself thinking of taking pills or cutting myself. I dont feel suicidal. I just want to do it to see what it feels like. Is that weird?
Another thing is the shopping urge is back really strong. I bought 6 computer games. I told my husband I bought two. Dont want to get him upset. And I still feel like its not enough. I want more.
The other thing thats off this week is I cant stop laughing. At anything. Last night my husband said ok, lets go to walgreens for some chocalate. I was like, yes! and i started laughing uncontrolligly(spelling?). And I mean not normal laughter but wicked whitch cackling type laughter. And then I started jumping up and down clapping. I've had lots of moments like that.
Oh and earlier this week I got mad at one of my bunnies because he sprayed me right in the face. That was disgusting. So I took him outside intent on 'freeing' him. Luckily my husband came home and saved Jesse.
I've just been having all these strange moments this week.

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I had a therapy session with my new therapist, cleaned up a bit, then went to the gym for an hr. Afterwards we had dinner, showered and I went on the computer. I'm so excited. I found 4 great sites on bipolar disorder. They even have communities. I think this is so great. I might even meet people who are like me. I still have so many questions about this illness.

www.healthcentral.com
http://social.realmentalhealth.com/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/
http://www.dailystrength.org

Well, its happened again. Today I was released from the hospital after another suicide attempt. It wasn't so bad this time. I didnt know that depokote wouldnt cause coma. Also I was interrupted so I only got to take a little over 15 pills. I didnt even pass out this time. I was awake for the entire experience. Yuck! What a bummer! Anyhow, the police came and asked a few questions. Then I had to ride in an ambulance to the hospital. They put an oxygen mask on me while the incompetent EMS technician fumbled with her needle trying to draw my blood. Actually she only succeeded in giving me horrible bruises. They drew my blood properly when I arrived at the hospital. After that I had to drink this awful charcoal which looked like black tar and tasted like chalky glue. It didnt take me long to throw that up all over myself, the floor, the bed, and the poor nurse's shoes.(that wasnt supposed to happen by the way. its supposed to have the opposite affect)So then I had to drink another cup of the dreaded charcoal. Luckily this time I kept it down. Not long after I went to the bathroom over and over and over and over again. It was disgustingly black. Anyhow, all of this occurred on saturday night.
The next morning I was moved to The Center for Behavioral Health at the same hospital. I stayed there until today which is Friday. While there I met with Doctor O, a social worker, and a recreational therapist everyday. Doctor O gave me a test and has finally diagnosed me officially as being Bipolar stage 2. He has changed my meds to ones that he thinks will work better. So lets hope it works.
 I think I've been pretty well put together. But really, on the inside, I've felt like crying so bad. Sometimes I gave in. I just dont know what to do. Bryan has told me many times in the past that he would not put up with another suicide attempt. This is the 3rd one. Now Bryan is not kicking me to the curb or anything like that. He says he still loves me and wants me to come home. But I'm afraid. I dont think I can just go back to everything being the way it was the way it was before. Something has to change. I have a bad feeling that this isnt the last time. If thats true I dont want Bryan to be around. He's been hurt enough. Maybe we should split up. Maybe he should be with a nice normal girl. And I should just be alone forever. I dont like sex anyways. My Dad cured me of that. I could get a job and get a little efficciency. And Bryan could get on with his life.I dont know. I'm so confused right now.

I really want to stick to writing in here. This always happens. I get into doing something and it takes over my life. Lately I have been addicted to this game called 'the sims2'. I'm on the computer almost all day while Bryan is at work.  Whew! Get a grip, Becky.
Anyhow. Other than that I'm doing good. My therapist said I dont have to come back to see her as often anymore if I dont want to. She said she'll leave it up to me to schedule my appointments from now on. Really I think that she was just getting really annoyed with my not talking. But I just I dont get why we always have to talk about my Dad anyways. And why does she always talk about him like he's some horrible person. .... I dont know. Its weird. I'm glad that I dont have to see her anymore but I hope its not too soon to stop seeing her. Its been 8 months since my suicide attempt. Thats more than enough time to heal. And I've been told that I dont have to forgive my father if I dont want to.
There is another area that concerns me, though. Yesterday when my husband and I were having sex I began to get upset when he kept kissing me. He would try to kiss me and I would turn my head so he couldn't. That happened a few times until finally I said, "Are you done yet?" I mean, really, what is wrong with me? Most women would probaly love to have an affectionate husband. He looked all sad afterwards. Why dont I like kissing, especially during sex?
Well, thats whats on my mind today.
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