10 posts tagged “dad”

Okay. First of all, I decided not to direct my entries to my father. Its too weird and just makes me angry. Secondly, as I was rereading some of my previous entries I realized I haven't updated my medical problems. I dont know if anyone actually reads my posts but I decided to update just in case.

Well, as mentioned I had another visit to my psychiatrist. I was still feeling a lot of anxiety and got depressed easily. So she upped my meds again. I'm still at 300 for my seroquel xr. However, my lamictal went from 100 to 200. I think its better. My moods been a lot better lately. Now my only problem is that I'm so tired almost all the time. Last week I saw my regular doctor. They drew blood because he wanted to check my thyroid level again. He's thinking of raising my synthroid medication from 50 to 75. But like a good doctor he wants to make sure first. Thats why they drew blood. Its been a week. I still haven't heard from them so I'll have to call them on Monday.

Last week I also met my new therapist. She's younger than my last therapist. ( the one who baker acted me. No way was I going back to see her.) Anyways. My new therapist, Barbara, is also a children's therapist. There's a lot of toys in her office. She talks kinda funny. Probaly because she's so used to dealing with kids. But once I got past that she was really nice. I was able to talk to her. And she didnt pressure me to talk during the silences. She'd give me a minute to think and if I didnt say anything then she'd ask a question. Thats what I liked about her. Because sometimes I find it difficult to talk. I do need to be drawn out with questions. With my last therapist the silences just seemed to go on and on. So, I set up my apt with Barbara to be every Monday. Hopefully, she can help me.

Okay. I think thats the last of my update.  My insurance company, aetna, has a sort of counseling service. I have a lady that calls me every few weeks to check up with me. She also sends me information and helps me find doctors. Well, she's the one who reccomended that I write everyday and have it directed to someone in particular, I do think its a good idea that I write everyday but I think its kinda weird to direct it to someone. I've had counselors and therapists in the past reccomend keeping a journal. One counselor even told me to write a letter to my Dad stating all my feelings but not to mail it. Well, I wroye the letter but I mailed it. That was way back when I wasnt talking to him. He replied, too. But it didnt turn out well. He still denies...everything. Anyhow, I will continue this online journal idea. I will try to write every day. I've never been good at that, tho. Even when I was younger and kept a diary. I only wrote once every couple of months. So, we'll see how this goes.

Ricardo-

Hello, Ricardo how's it going? I chose you to direct my journaling because I never had the courage to talk to you. I almost wish you could answer me back. I just dont understand. Was it just the drinking or did you really feel that way about me? Did you hate me? Did you really think I was a 13 year old whore? Did you think I was ugly and useless? You said so many hurtful things to me over the years. And you"ve never apolagized. Well I guess I'll never know.

Well, how good of a father were you when you pulled me out of school when I was 14 and then didnt bother to homeschool me.Oh, Ricardo. There are so many questions that I have? So many why"s? Why were you harder on me than you were on my other siblings.They both had babies at 16 yet you took them back in and paid for alot of the babies" neccessities. I, on the other hand wasnt allowed to even speak to another member of the opposite sex. You spied on me constantly. Always going through my things, reading my  diary. You even followed me to the movies or where ever I met my friends. You would continuously just 'bump into us'.Well, I'm tired.

Okay so its not actually a new idea. I've kept a journal for as long as i can remember. I think I was 12 or 13. I've got like 5 notebooks which I saved. ( I threw one away because it was too depressing) As I got older I started writing less and less. After I got married I pretty much stopped because Bry was a little weirded out. Well, now my therapist and counselors wants me to go back to journaling. They say that blogging is'nt the same as journaling.

Ok. So heres how its supposed to work: I'm supposed to write every single day no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Also, I'm supposed to write it as if I'm talking to a specific persn such as a deceased loved one, a fictional person or even a live person that I still know. I'm also supposed to keep a notebook and pencil by the bed to jot down any thoughts or dreams I may have throuh-out the night.

That last point is a good idea, I'm always having weird dreams or nightmares. Unfortunetly, I can never seem to remember them when I wake up.Now I just have to figure out who I will direct my writing to. Hmmm.... The person I'm closest to is my husband but it just seems kinda weird to direct this to him. I already tell him everything anyways. There is one person thats always there..always on my mind no matter how much I wish he'd go away. He's also the reason why I'm in therapy. That , ofcourse is my Dad. But I wont call him Dad. He's not deserving of that title.

I was never close to my father. I tried so hard to be good but he was never satisfied. Afterall, I was only a girl. According to him girls should be in the kitchen and should never have any opinions different than his.I should probaly end it now and start my 1st entry.

My dad was supposed to go to jail on Monday. Well, they gave him two more weeks. Thats the second time they've done that. I'm beginning to think that he wont be going. They'll probaly change it to community service or something stupid like that. Anyhow. Remember, I said everything was going great. Well, I saw my dad on Sunday when I dropped my Mom off. He was outside. He smiled and waved at me. Can you believe that??? But the worst part is that I waved back. Why, why, why?????? I hate him! I swear to God, I hate him. And yet I cant ever seem to not be nice to him. Growing up respect was majorly ground into us. So I cannot disrespect him no matter how much I want to hate him.

It gets worse. Ever since I saw my Dad I cant get him out of my head. I keep dreaming about him. And they're not my usual dreams where he just happens to be there but doesnt say or do anything. This time I'm terrified of him. In my dreams he keeps trying to touch me or hug me and I'm so scared that I start screaming and all of a sudden there are a bunch of people there looking at me as if I'm crazy. These are really weird dreams. I wish they'd stop. And when I'm awake I cant keep the images of what he did out of my head. That was such a long time ago. Why cant I get over it?

As if my "Dad' problems aren't enough this morning this lady came by with summons papers. The hospital is sueing us. Omg! How are we supposed to come up with $16,000. We were making payments. Why isn't that good enough? Thats it for now. I'm tired.

Hey, I'm back. Its been awhile since I've posted. The reason is because I started taking classes to get my GED at our local community college. I'm so excited. I always thought that I wasnt smart enough to do this. I'm so glad that I listened to my therapist and pursued this. I'm still doing my cleaning jobs, too. So, I've been really busy. Until now, that is. I've got a couple weeks off for winter break.Its so cool to be able to say that again.

I am doing so much better emotionally. I feel like a new person. I dont think I've ever been truly happy before now. I used to get really upset over every little thing. Now, its like, so what, no big deal. I mean, ofcourse, I still have down days every once in awhile. But they're not as bad as before. I mean this all could just be because I haven't seen my Dad since the last time I wrote about it. I try to not even think about him.  I dont want to think about anything that I know will upset me. Thats why I dont look at pictures of Jade. Its too soon. She's only been dead for 3 months. I'm gonna change the subject. Once I start crying its hard to stop.

There is one thing about my Dad I wanted to share. My Dad is going to jail. In a little over a week he has to turn himself in. He will be in for 3 months. He got a DUI. I remember growing up he always used to drink and drive. I'm glad he was finally caught. I just wish he would stay in jail. That would make my life so much easier. Is that a mean thing to say? Well, I dont care. Its how I feel. 

I'm really frustrated today. And I'm really disappointed in myself. Wednesday I had my session with my therapist. I felt really good after I left her office..Like I really was making progress, I could really do all the things she said I could. The main issue of course was my dad. My therapist told me that I'm not ready to talk with my dad. She said that if my dad tried to talk to me again I should say that my therapist told me that I cannot speak to him at this time. So I felt great...Like I could definetly do that. The very next day I went to visit my mom. I hadn't visited all week. When I got there both my dad's trucks were there. I almost turned around and left right there but then I noticed my mom's van was there. It turned out that my dad took her van to work. My mom and I had a nice relaxing time then we went to kitchen to get some work done. We were both by the window when we saw the van arrive. I immediatly lost my confidence. I was really fighting back tears. I excused myself to the bathroom where I sat and took some deep breaths to calm myself down. Then I could hear my dad and older brother entering the house. Omg! This was gonna be alot harder than I thought. When I came out of the bathroom I didnt speak to him, I didn't even look in his direction. My brother started talking to me right away. I hardly ever see my brother. Our lives went in different directions. He is not reliable, not someone you'd want to confide in. He doesn't even know about my emotional problems or my suicide attempts. I tried to tell him once but he told me to stop lying. So, I tried to do small talk with him but it was hard since my dad was standing right there. He asked me how work is going. I had to tell  him that I'm not working right now. Ofcourse, he asked why. I told him it was a mutual decision. Thats kinda the truth anyway. Then I went back to organizing the cabinets like before. I felt like I couldnt just leave. If it was just my dad I would and he would know exactly why I was leaving. But I couldn't do that with Richard there. Despite the way his life has turned he is still my brother and I love him. They were talking to each other and then my dad started asking me questions. It had nothing to do with the past. It was about bills. Once again I was confused. I actually answered his questions. After that I made my usual excuse to leave. I dont usually start dinner at 3:00 so they prob saw thru that one. On the drive home I felt so stupid. I will always be that same young girl who is under everone's control especially my father's. I should've just left after getting out of the bathroom. Forget Richard. I haven't even hung with him since I was 14. Every time I tried he was busy or wanted to go to some sleazy club. I should've known better. I'll never be able to stand up to my dad. My therapist is prob gonna be disappointed when I see her next week. ...........On a good note: I got a cleaning job for one day a week. It'll only be for 2-3 hrs a day. If I could get a couple more then I'll be set.

A lot has happened. My Mom is now at home. She is in pain, on a clear liquid diet, and should be doing too much. Well, I decided I would still go visit. I love my Mom. I wasn't going to let fear of my Dad to stop me. I took my Mother-in-law with me. To my surprise my Dad opened the door. ( I have my own key and have always let myself in) He was Actually trying to talk to us. I was so nervous. My heart was beating so fast. I quickly opened my bag and gave my Dad the food stuff I'd brought for my Mom. My hands were shaking. Then I turned to find my Mom. I didn't even wait for his reply. Whew! A couple hours later when we went to leave he again followed us outside trying to make "small talk". He went with us to close the gate behind us. He was saying bye and waving. So, I felt I should too. I mumbled bye and we took off.

Okay, then. Now this happened yesterday. I went to my parents home at 8am.Everyone had things to do except for me. So I told them I would be there for Mom all day. When I got there my Dad was still there but luckily he was in the bathroom. I went in the room and my Mom was still sleeping. Then she woke up and asked for some juice. When I got to the kitchen my Dad confronted me. I was in complete shock. He said he was sorry. There seemed to be tears in his eyes. He said he didnt remember doing that. He said he would never do anything to hurt me or my sister. I didnt respond. I wasnt expecting this. I dont know if I'm ready to just start talking to him. I dont feel comfortable being with him.  I am just so confused. How can he not remember?  

I have two things I want to talk about today. First of all I had my 1st apt with my new psychiatrist. She was a lot nicer than the psychiatrist that I had at the hospital. He never smiled. He just looked at me like I was a horrible person. I could tell he didnt believe me. He thought I was a druggie. Some test said that I took speed but I didnt. I've never done drugs. I wanted to die. I didnt want to get high. No, I took bunch of Wellbutrin. I dont know why that test came out like that. Anyhow. I really like my new psychiatrist. At 1st I wasnt so sure because she laughed when I told her my reason for trying to kill myself. But its okay, I guess. We talked for almost an hour. She asked lots of questions. Towards the end she told me that she thought I was bi-polar. That totally shocked me. I always thought bipolar people were really crazy and very angry. I did have some of the symptoms. I had an experience which occurred right after the 1st time I tried to kill myself. It was definetly out of the ordinary for me...a sort of acting out. I wrote about this in an earlier blog with the word stupid in the title. This is something that I regret more than words can say. Another symptom is overspending. My husband has taken my debit card away from me on more than one occasion. Also, my credit card was shredded. I have my card back now, but Bryan keeps track of my purchases via the computer. On the other hand I dont think that I've ever had those manic attacks or whatever they are called. So, I told my psychiatrist that I didnt think that I was bi-polar. So, she didnt persue that avenue. She did up my meds. I went from 50mg zoloft to 100mg zoloft. She also gave me something to help me sleep. So far its not working. Its 12:06 am right now. I'll see her again in 4 weeks. When my husband got home from work I told him all about my apt. I was shocked when Bryan agreed with my psychiatrist. "No way! Not possible!" I told him. But he says that I do have those manic episodes. I dont know if I agree with that. I mean, how long are manic episodes supposed to last. Now I'm confused. Bryan Said that he'll go with me on my next apt

Okay, now the 2nd thing I wanted to talk about. I think I've mentioned that I wasnt very close to my mom. All my life I thought that she didnt love me. She hardly ever talks to me or visits me. She never invites me to the family barbecues that they throw. But after I tried to commit suicide she started visiting more. She even came by and cleaned my condo one day. But she didnt visit all this week. I was wondering why. Then on Thursday night she called and told me that she was going to the hospital the next day for a procedure. She made it sound like no big deal but I knew better. Unfortunetly, on Friday I woke up with a horrible migraine. Bryan keeps all the pills locked up in our safe. He has the only key. So, I had no access to even tylenol or excedrin. So, it was really hard to leave my bed that morning. I didnt get to the hospital until a little after 4pm. My dad was in the room when I got there. But I wasnt going to let him stop me from visiting my mom. I wasnt going to be afraid. Nope. I just completely ignored him. I went to my mom's bedside. She looked so frail and week. I showed her the flowers, balloon, and little gift that I gave her. She was really happy. I got her purple flowers because thats her favorite color. She looked like she could barely stay awake. She was on a liquid diet. She threw up a lot. She was very nauseous and she was also in a lot of pain. I cleaned up for her. When she fell asleep again I gave her a kiss and left. I didnt want to risk my dad trying to talk to me. I visited again on Saturday. I was able to stay longer since he wasnt there. She is supposed to be discharged soon. So, I will have to go to her house to see her. She'll be in pain for awhile. She prob will need someone to cook for her. I know that my dad and brother wont cook for her. My dad will probaly get her fast food. So, I'm just going to have to get over this fear of being in the same room with him. Its scary to even  think about it.

My Letter
Current mood: numb
Category: Life

In my last blog I told you that my father wrote me a letter of apolagy. However, there is so much that he didnt say in his letter. He seems to think that all our problems stem from his refusing to attend my wedding. Actually our problems go back much farther. Yes, he said he was sorry. Yes, it was a very sweet letter. But at what cost. It took my almost dying for him to utter those words. And he couldnt even say them in person. Is he really sorry or is it just guilt speaking? I also have to consider that I'm very fragile right now. I need to think of my mental health. So here is my response to his letter:

To my father:
I really dont know what to say. Your letter came as a complete shock to me. I want you to know that I've thought of you often. There have been so many times that I've thought of going over there to say Hi. You are my father and I will always love you. But I'm not ready to see you yet. I'm sorry but I am not the strong person that your letter makes me out to be.

I dont want to make you unhappy but I think its time you hear from me how I feel. This is so much more than just a missed wedding. I did not have a happy childhood. I know now that thats partly because I suffer from depression. Who knows how long I've suffered from this illness. But also I've had unhappy and traumatic memories hiding in the back of my mind. I think this all started when I revealed that I still remember those nights when you entered my room when I was a child. Now I cant even think of you without thinking of that also. Its to the point that I cant even remember any of the good memories right now. I'm told that thats a symptom of PTSD.

Dad, I love you but I'm also scared of you. I'm scared that if I see you I will crumble and break. I dont want to be that scared little girl anymore. I was always so afraid of displeasing you. I want to be strong but I'm afraid that this illness called depression will win. The only thing keeping me alive right now is Bryan. Part of me really wishes that those pills had done what they were supposed to do. I dont want to be here but Bryan wants me to be here. So, I will do my best to live and to cope.

I wish I could see you. I wish we could be a big happy family. But the truth is that I've never really been part of a family. I wouldnt know how to deal with that.

Dad, I love you. I always have and I always will. I hope that one day we can get together and try to be a family. But right now I need to try to get stronger. I'm sorry. I hope my words haven't caused you any additional pain. That was not my intention.
-Becky-

I am still in complete shock. Something I never thought would ever happen has happened. After all these years my father has apolagized to me. He wrote me a letter. Those of you who know me know what a huge deal this is. This from a man who never says sorry, who is never wrong, who must always have his way. Those who know me know what he did...know how he treated me all my life....know just how badly he's hurt me over and over again. Now he says he's sorry. Should I forgive him? Is this our chance to try to be a family? You tell me. I'm going to print word for word his letter. Here goes:

Dear Rebecca,
Hi Mija. I'm so sorry in the circumstances that I find myself in, that I'm needing to write you a letter so I can communicate with you. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I know its my fault for being so stubborn and letting my egotism get the best of me.I am so sorry Rebecca mi hija for letting that happen. Because I do love you very very much, and your loving husband bryan who has done a very good job taking care of you, mija. I cannot express enough how very sorry I am. I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And most importantly of all mijita Rebecca I'm so very sorry for not being at your wedding. Please, mija, forgive me.I'm so sorry. I dont know what I was thinking. I just dont know mija. I wish I could change the clock back but I cant. Please forgive me, mijita. You just dont know how much I've been regretting it. I wait for the day you and Bryan can show me the video of your wedding together. I've seen your pictures of you and Bryan on your wedding day. You looked so beautiful and so happy, and please please forgive me for not being there. I, too, miss it, regret it I was not there. I cannot ever get that back. Please forgive me.

Mija, Rebecca, one thing I do know is that you have found yourself a good man there with Bryan. He loves you very much and I know that you love him also. And with that much love you cant help it but make it. And you two are still doing strong no matter what Satan has thrown at you. But the most important thing was love. Never forget that. Because I do believe now that you and Bryan were made for one another. Please also ask Bryan to forgive me.And I do ask it. Please forgive me, Bryan.

I do love you very, Rebecca, mija. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me because I would very much like to be a part in your lives. I miss you very much, not being able to hug you and say I love you, take care.That hurts mija because I love you and miss you. I'm already going to be 50yrs soon but at times I feel 60 and feel so tired. At times it may not seem like it but I am. Well Becky mija I love you very much as well as Bryan. You two take care of yourselves. And I hope very much that I will hear from you, Becky. Love you.

Your Dad,
Ricardo