3 posts tagged “death”

Well, its happened again. Today I was released from the hospital after another suicide attempt. It wasn't so bad this time. I didnt know that depokote wouldnt cause coma. Also I was interrupted so I only got to take a little over 15 pills. I didnt even pass out this time. I was awake for the entire experience. Yuck! What a bummer! Anyhow, the police came and asked a few questions. Then I had to ride in an ambulance to the hospital. They put an oxygen mask on me while the incompetent EMS technician fumbled with her needle trying to draw my blood. Actually she only succeeded in giving me horrible bruises. They drew my blood properly when I arrived at the hospital. After that I had to drink this awful charcoal which looked like black tar and tasted like chalky glue. It didnt take me long to throw that up all over myself, the floor, the bed, and the poor nurse's shoes.(that wasnt supposed to happen by the way. its supposed to have the opposite affect)So then I had to drink another cup of the dreaded charcoal. Luckily this time I kept it down. Not long after I went to the bathroom over and over and over and over again. It was disgustingly black. Anyhow, all of this occurred on saturday night.
The next morning I was moved to The Center for Behavioral Health at the same hospital. I stayed there until today which is Friday. While there I met with Doctor O, a social worker, and a recreational therapist everyday. Doctor O gave me a test and has finally diagnosed me officially as being Bipolar stage 2. He has changed my meds to ones that he thinks will work better. So lets hope it works.
 I think I've been pretty well put together. But really, on the inside, I've felt like crying so bad. Sometimes I gave in. I just dont know what to do. Bryan has told me many times in the past that he would not put up with another suicide attempt. This is the 3rd one. Now Bryan is not kicking me to the curb or anything like that. He says he still loves me and wants me to come home. But I'm afraid. I dont think I can just go back to everything being the way it was the way it was before. Something has to change. I have a bad feeling that this isnt the last time. If thats true I dont want Bryan to be around. He's been hurt enough. Maybe we should split up. Maybe he should be with a nice normal girl. And I should just be alone forever. I dont like sex anyways. My Dad cured me of that. I could get a job and get a little efficciency. And Bryan could get on with his life.I dont know. I'm so confused right now.

Hey, I'm back. Its been awhile since I've posted. The reason is because I started taking classes to get my GED at our local community college. I'm so excited. I always thought that I wasnt smart enough to do this. I'm so glad that I listened to my therapist and pursued this. I'm still doing my cleaning jobs, too. So, I've been really busy. Until now, that is. I've got a couple weeks off for winter break.Its so cool to be able to say that again.

I am doing so much better emotionally. I feel like a new person. I dont think I've ever been truly happy before now. I used to get really upset over every little thing. Now, its like, so what, no big deal. I mean, ofcourse, I still have down days every once in awhile. But they're not as bad as before. I mean this all could just be because I haven't seen my Dad since the last time I wrote about it. I try to not even think about him.  I dont want to think about anything that I know will upset me. Thats why I dont look at pictures of Jade. Its too soon. She's only been dead for 3 months. I'm gonna change the subject. Once I start crying its hard to stop.

There is one thing about my Dad I wanted to share. My Dad is going to jail. In a little over a week he has to turn himself in. He will be in for 3 months. He got a DUI. I remember growing up he always used to drink and drive. I'm glad he was finally caught. I just wish he would stay in jail. That would make my life so much easier. Is that a mean thing to say? Well, I dont care. Its how I feel. 

So, Ive been kinda busy with my new cleaning jobs. I've also been spending more time with my mom and my sister. Ofcourse, I'm still having my ups and downs but I'm dealing. Today I wanted to write about my beautiful little neice, Jade. She just turned two not too long ago. Well, on September 22nd she died. When Bry told me I didnt believe him so I called my mom. She confirmed that it was true. I started screaming "No!" over and over again. Then I started crying uncontrollably and threw my phone against the wall. Once I calmed down we went to the hospital. My sister was in emergency holding tight to her baby. The nurse brought her a rocking chair and she rocked Jade for hours. Jade just looked like she was sleeping. It was so unreal. My whole family was there so we had to take turns but me an my mom went in because that who sarah wanted with her. The 2nd time I went in one of Jade's eyes was open. I had a strong urge to close it but Sarah wouldnt let anyone else near her baby. I feel so bad for her. I couldn't imagine losing my own child (if i had one).

Sarah has three children but Jade was the only one that was with her constantly and no one else. Her whole life was Jade. The reason is that Jade had many medical problems. She has fluid in her brain, a whole in her heart, asthma, a feeding tube in her belly button, and some kind of genetics disorder which I never quite understood. Even though she was two years old she still looked like an infant. People never believed her when they heard Jade's age.

I just dont understand how this can happen. A two year old shouldn't be dead. She never got to crawl, to sit up, to eat or drink. I know the doctors said that she would never walk and would be mentally challenged....but we didnt care. There were even some rude doctors who actually asked Sarah if she knew how long her baby was expected to live. Didn't matter. Sarah and I always thought she would live to adulthood. I think I'm still in shock. I dont believe it. I should be able to go visit Sarah tomorrow  and see Jade playing with her toys. A two year old shouldnt have to die. This is so unfair.

my neice, Jade

newborn jade

my neice, jade