16 posts tagged “depression”

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I had a therapy session with my new therapist, cleaned up a bit, then went to the gym for an hr. Afterwards we had dinner, showered and I went on the computer. I'm so excited. I found 4 great sites on bipolar disorder. They even have communities. I think this is so great. I might even meet people who are like me. I still have so many questions about this illness.

www.healthcentral.com
http://social.realmentalhealth.com/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/
http://www.dailystrength.org

Okay. First of all, I decided not to direct my entries to my father. Its too weird and just makes me angry. Secondly, as I was rereading some of my previous entries I realized I haven't updated my medical problems. I dont know if anyone actually reads my posts but I decided to update just in case.

Well, as mentioned I had another visit to my psychiatrist. I was still feeling a lot of anxiety and got depressed easily. So she upped my meds again. I'm still at 300 for my seroquel xr. However, my lamictal went from 100 to 200. I think its better. My moods been a lot better lately. Now my only problem is that I'm so tired almost all the time. Last week I saw my regular doctor. They drew blood because he wanted to check my thyroid level again. He's thinking of raising my synthroid medication from 50 to 75. But like a good doctor he wants to make sure first. Thats why they drew blood. Its been a week. I still haven't heard from them so I'll have to call them on Monday.

Last week I also met my new therapist. She's younger than my last therapist. ( the one who baker acted me. No way was I going back to see her.) Anyways. My new therapist, Barbara, is also a children's therapist. There's a lot of toys in her office. She talks kinda funny. Probaly because she's so used to dealing with kids. But once I got past that she was really nice. I was able to talk to her. And she didnt pressure me to talk during the silences. She'd give me a minute to think and if I didnt say anything then she'd ask a question. Thats what I liked about her. Because sometimes I find it difficult to talk. I do need to be drawn out with questions. With my last therapist the silences just seemed to go on and on. So, I set up my apt with Barbara to be every Monday. Hopefully, she can help me.

Okay. I think thats the last of my update.  My insurance company, aetna, has a sort of counseling service. I have a lady that calls me every few weeks to check up with me. She also sends me information and helps me find doctors. Well, she's the one who reccomended that I write everyday and have it directed to someone in particular, I do think its a good idea that I write everyday but I think its kinda weird to direct it to someone. I've had counselors and therapists in the past reccomend keeping a journal. One counselor even told me to write a letter to my Dad stating all my feelings but not to mail it. Well, I wroye the letter but I mailed it. That was way back when I wasnt talking to him. He replied, too. But it didnt turn out well. He still denies...everything. Anyhow, I will continue this online journal idea. I will try to write every day. I've never been good at that, tho. Even when I was younger and kept a diary. I only wrote once every couple of months. So, we'll see how this goes.

Okay so in my last post I spoke of my hospitalization after my 3rd (and hopefully final) suicide attempt. I was there Saturday May 2nd to Friday May 8th. I was free for four days. Four awful days. Let me explain. When I was out of the hospital I went to stay with my mother-in-law because my husband was angry with me. It was a very confusing four days because sometimes he was nice to me. He was the Bryan that I first married. And he kept asking me to come back home. But most of the time he was very angry. We argued a lot. He made me cry a lot. I was an emotional wreck. I didnt know if my marriage was over.

On Wednesday May 13th I had a pre-scheduled appointment with my therapist. I spoke to her honestly hoping that she could help me. Instead she baker acted me. I was in complete shock. I thought therapy was supposed to help me not lock me up. Any way, as soon as she told me what she was gonna do I started texting so people would know what was happening and wouldnt think I took off or something. I told everyone that I was going back to Manatee Memorial because thats what she told me. As soon as the policeman arrived he confiscated my phone. I had to ride in the back like a common criminal. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever be in the back of a police car. The seats were hard and dirty. I did my best not to touch anything.then I looked out the window. It didnt take long before I realized that he wasnt taking me to Manatee Memorial Hospital. Oh God No! Pretty soon I was standing in front of Manatee Glens, my prison until yesterday.

I hated it there. I got there about noon. I had to wait in a very tiny room with lots of windows so they could watch me. The only thing in the room was two chairs. They brought me food. I dont know what it was. It looked like mush but tasted like chicken, maybe. There was no handle on the door, bars on the only window. No bathroom. I was trapped. I was in that tiny room until 6pm. Finally my real room was ready.

There was a plus. My aunt works there and she was on duty for the first two days that I was there. She was so nice to me. She bought me chocolate and sodas. She gave me her sweater since I was cold. She was nice and she was supportive. She and I had long talks. She is very spiritual so she reminded me that God will always love me. I felt a void on the days that she wasnt there.

I also made friends there. There was Sawyer the firefighter. She really shoulnt have been there. Her friends had her baker acted just because she was depressed one day and they knew she owned guns. There was also Marvin. He was there for anger management. He didnt seem angry to me, tho. He was the sweetest. He was just dealt a bad blow. Then there was William. Apparrantly his daughters grew up with Bryan. I've met them before briefly. I've never met him, though. Well, I guess he's Bipolar just like me. Thats what cost him his marriage 20 years ago. He's a very nice man , though. He's the same religion as me so he was a great asset. We talked a lot about God.

Even though I made a few friends there I still wasnt happy. I didnt like it there. It was so much stricter than Manatee Memorial. The door to our rooms locked automatically behind us. We were'nt allowed to keep them open. So anytime we had to use the bathroom or get something we had to get one of the techs to open the door. Sometimes they were too busy and we'd have to wait. We had to attend meetings 3 times a day which were really boring. The only one I liked was the art one. That one was only twice a week, though. It was just so annoying being there. Especially since I felt I didnt belong there this time.

The days were long. The longer I was there the more depressed I got. It didnt help that Bryan didnt call me for three days. Then he finally came to visit me on Saturday and we spent the entire visit fighting. On top of that all the meds had me so tired and listless. Yesterday was a very long day. I woke up at 1:30 am because my roomate felldown. She is an alcoholic. She is in a wheelchair and not so steady on her feet. Although, she insists she doesnt need the wheelchair. Anyhow she fell down in the bathroom so I went to get help. Then I went back to sleep. We got woken back up at 6am for vitals. After vitals is breakfast. Everyone lines up and gets their tray. After a little while I notice that everyone is eating except for Donna(my roomate). So I ask her if she wanted me to get her tray. She said yes. So I go to get it and then one of the techs is suddenly there snapping at me. 'What'll you think your doing? You cant do that.' I told him I was just getting Donnas food since she didnt have it yet. 'well, you cant do that.'he snapped again. so i go back in. by this time I was very upset. I wait a little while but then decide enough is enough. I start to approach the nurses station The same tech from before yells at me again. Tells me I cant go near the nurses station. It takes all the courage I can muster but I tell him I want to speak to the head nurse and it was important. He's like the head nurse is busy you can talk to her. and he points to med nurse. Another patient was sitting right in front of her so I thought maybe she was busy, too. I was about to ask if she was busy when he snapped'well, i thought you were gonna talk to her.' so I moved forward. I dont know why that Tony guy has to be so mean. I didnt do anything bad. Anyways I told the nurse that I wanted to leave. She starts to ramble on saying that I cant do that even though the baker act has now expired and I'm under voluntary. She starts to dismiss me and I'm like no way. I'm not stupid( note:if i'm talking back like this then you know I'm really frustrated). I have been in places like this enough times to know the rules. There's a form I can sign stating that I feel I am ready to leave. My doctor will then have 24 hours to decide if it is safe for me to go.She looked less than pleased but she got the form and we both signed it. Right after dealing with her I asked the other med nurse(it was shift change time) for an anxiety pill. She asked what was wrong and I told her about Tony. Then a week of frustration finally surfaced. I started crying right there in front of everyone. After that I paced the halls for a little bit and then took a nap. a little bit later in the day I was informed that I would be discharged. A couple hours after that I was discharched. Yes! Freedom at last!

 I cannot possibly explain how good it feels to finally leave a place like. The day befre I had told Bryan That I would come back home so thats where I went. Everyone has decided that I should not be left alone for awhile just to be on the safe side. Susan, my mother in law was with me today and I'm expexting her tomorrow. Today all I did was clean and organize. Tomorrow I have to do laundry. We also bought a ton of puzzles, crayons, paint, sudoku. I gotta find ways to keep busy, keep my mind occupied.

Oh, I almost forgot. The new doctor I saw, Dr. Crockett, changed my meds. He completely took me off of topomax. He increased my lamyctal(spelling?) from 25 to 100. And I still have my seroquel at 100. Today I felt so weird. I find it hard to talk. I'm stuttering. I have never in my life had a problem with stuttering. Its annoying. But other than that I think it might be ok. I actually had energy today. I got a lot done.

Well, its happened again. Today I was released from the hospital after another suicide attempt. It wasn't so bad this time. I didnt know that depokote wouldnt cause coma. Also I was interrupted so I only got to take a little over 15 pills. I didnt even pass out this time. I was awake for the entire experience. Yuck! What a bummer! Anyhow, the police came and asked a few questions. Then I had to ride in an ambulance to the hospital. They put an oxygen mask on me while the incompetent EMS technician fumbled with her needle trying to draw my blood. Actually she only succeeded in giving me horrible bruises. They drew my blood properly when I arrived at the hospital. After that I had to drink this awful charcoal which looked like black tar and tasted like chalky glue. It didnt take me long to throw that up all over myself, the floor, the bed, and the poor nurse's shoes.(that wasnt supposed to happen by the way. its supposed to have the opposite affect)So then I had to drink another cup of the dreaded charcoal. Luckily this time I kept it down. Not long after I went to the bathroom over and over and over and over again. It was disgustingly black. Anyhow, all of this occurred on saturday night.
The next morning I was moved to The Center for Behavioral Health at the same hospital. I stayed there until today which is Friday. While there I met with Doctor O, a social worker, and a recreational therapist everyday. Doctor O gave me a test and has finally diagnosed me officially as being Bipolar stage 2. He has changed my meds to ones that he thinks will work better. So lets hope it works.
 I think I've been pretty well put together. But really, on the inside, I've felt like crying so bad. Sometimes I gave in. I just dont know what to do. Bryan has told me many times in the past that he would not put up with another suicide attempt. This is the 3rd one. Now Bryan is not kicking me to the curb or anything like that. He says he still loves me and wants me to come home. But I'm afraid. I dont think I can just go back to everything being the way it was the way it was before. Something has to change. I have a bad feeling that this isnt the last time. If thats true I dont want Bryan to be around. He's been hurt enough. Maybe we should split up. Maybe he should be with a nice normal girl. And I should just be alone forever. I dont like sex anyways. My Dad cured me of that. I could get a job and get a little efficciency. And Bryan could get on with his life.I dont know. I'm so confused right now.

I really want to stick to writing in here. This always happens. I get into doing something and it takes over my life. Lately I have been addicted to this game called 'the sims2'. I'm on the computer almost all day while Bryan is at work.  Whew! Get a grip, Becky.
Anyhow. Other than that I'm doing good. My therapist said I dont have to come back to see her as often anymore if I dont want to. She said she'll leave it up to me to schedule my appointments from now on. Really I think that she was just getting really annoyed with my not talking. But I just I dont get why we always have to talk about my Dad anyways. And why does she always talk about him like he's some horrible person. .... I dont know. Its weird. I'm glad that I dont have to see her anymore but I hope its not too soon to stop seeing her. Its been 8 months since my suicide attempt. Thats more than enough time to heal. And I've been told that I dont have to forgive my father if I dont want to.
There is another area that concerns me, though. Yesterday when my husband and I were having sex I began to get upset when he kept kissing me. He would try to kiss me and I would turn my head so he couldn't. That happened a few times until finally I said, "Are you done yet?" I mean, really, what is wrong with me? Most women would probaly love to have an affectionate husband. He looked all sad afterwards. Why dont I like kissing, especially during sex?
Well, thats whats on my mind today.
'

My dad was supposed to go to jail on Monday. Well, they gave him two more weeks. Thats the second time they've done that. I'm beginning to think that he wont be going. They'll probaly change it to community service or something stupid like that. Anyhow. Remember, I said everything was going great. Well, I saw my dad on Sunday when I dropped my Mom off. He was outside. He smiled and waved at me. Can you believe that??? But the worst part is that I waved back. Why, why, why?????? I hate him! I swear to God, I hate him. And yet I cant ever seem to not be nice to him. Growing up respect was majorly ground into us. So I cannot disrespect him no matter how much I want to hate him.

It gets worse. Ever since I saw my Dad I cant get him out of my head. I keep dreaming about him. And they're not my usual dreams where he just happens to be there but doesnt say or do anything. This time I'm terrified of him. In my dreams he keeps trying to touch me or hug me and I'm so scared that I start screaming and all of a sudden there are a bunch of people there looking at me as if I'm crazy. These are really weird dreams. I wish they'd stop. And when I'm awake I cant keep the images of what he did out of my head. That was such a long time ago. Why cant I get over it?

As if my "Dad' problems aren't enough this morning this lady came by with summons papers. The hospital is sueing us. Omg! How are we supposed to come up with $16,000. We were making payments. Why isn't that good enough? Thats it for now. I'm tired.

So, Ive been kinda busy with my new cleaning jobs. I've also been spending more time with my mom and my sister. Ofcourse, I'm still having my ups and downs but I'm dealing. Today I wanted to write about my beautiful little neice, Jade. She just turned two not too long ago. Well, on September 22nd she died. When Bry told me I didnt believe him so I called my mom. She confirmed that it was true. I started screaming "No!" over and over again. Then I started crying uncontrollably and threw my phone against the wall. Once I calmed down we went to the hospital. My sister was in emergency holding tight to her baby. The nurse brought her a rocking chair and she rocked Jade for hours. Jade just looked like she was sleeping. It was so unreal. My whole family was there so we had to take turns but me an my mom went in because that who sarah wanted with her. The 2nd time I went in one of Jade's eyes was open. I had a strong urge to close it but Sarah wouldnt let anyone else near her baby. I feel so bad for her. I couldn't imagine losing my own child (if i had one).

Sarah has three children but Jade was the only one that was with her constantly and no one else. Her whole life was Jade. The reason is that Jade had many medical problems. She has fluid in her brain, a whole in her heart, asthma, a feeding tube in her belly button, and some kind of genetics disorder which I never quite understood. Even though she was two years old she still looked like an infant. People never believed her when they heard Jade's age.

I just dont understand how this can happen. A two year old shouldn't be dead. She never got to crawl, to sit up, to eat or drink. I know the doctors said that she would never walk and would be mentally challenged....but we didnt care. There were even some rude doctors who actually asked Sarah if she knew how long her baby was expected to live. Didn't matter. Sarah and I always thought she would live to adulthood. I think I'm still in shock. I dont believe it. I should be able to go visit Sarah tomorrow  and see Jade playing with her toys. A two year old shouldnt have to die. This is so unfair.

my neice, Jade

I'm really frustrated today. And I'm really disappointed in myself. Wednesday I had my session with my therapist. I felt really good after I left her office..Like I really was making progress, I could really do all the things she said I could. The main issue of course was my dad. My therapist told me that I'm not ready to talk with my dad. She said that if my dad tried to talk to me again I should say that my therapist told me that I cannot speak to him at this time. So I felt great...Like I could definetly do that. The very next day I went to visit my mom. I hadn't visited all week. When I got there both my dad's trucks were there. I almost turned around and left right there but then I noticed my mom's van was there. It turned out that my dad took her van to work. My mom and I had a nice relaxing time then we went to kitchen to get some work done. We were both by the window when we saw the van arrive. I immediatly lost my confidence. I was really fighting back tears. I excused myself to the bathroom where I sat and took some deep breaths to calm myself down. Then I could hear my dad and older brother entering the house. Omg! This was gonna be alot harder than I thought. When I came out of the bathroom I didnt speak to him, I didn't even look in his direction. My brother started talking to me right away. I hardly ever see my brother. Our lives went in different directions. He is not reliable, not someone you'd want to confide in. He doesn't even know about my emotional problems or my suicide attempts. I tried to tell him once but he told me to stop lying. So, I tried to do small talk with him but it was hard since my dad was standing right there. He asked me how work is going. I had to tell  him that I'm not working right now. Ofcourse, he asked why. I told him it was a mutual decision. Thats kinda the truth anyway. Then I went back to organizing the cabinets like before. I felt like I couldnt just leave. If it was just my dad I would and he would know exactly why I was leaving. But I couldn't do that with Richard there. Despite the way his life has turned he is still my brother and I love him. They were talking to each other and then my dad started asking me questions. It had nothing to do with the past. It was about bills. Once again I was confused. I actually answered his questions. After that I made my usual excuse to leave. I dont usually start dinner at 3:00 so they prob saw thru that one. On the drive home I felt so stupid. I will always be that same young girl who is under everone's control especially my father's. I should've just left after getting out of the bathroom. Forget Richard. I haven't even hung with him since I was 14. Every time I tried he was busy or wanted to go to some sleazy club. I should've known better. I'll never be able to stand up to my dad. My therapist is prob gonna be disappointed when I see her next week. ...........On a good note: I got a cleaning job for one day a week. It'll only be for 2-3 hrs a day. If I could get a couple more then I'll be set.

I have two things I want to talk about today. First of all I had my 1st apt with my new psychiatrist. She was a lot nicer than the psychiatrist that I had at the hospital. He never smiled. He just looked at me like I was a horrible person. I could tell he didnt believe me. He thought I was a druggie. Some test said that I took speed but I didnt. I've never done drugs. I wanted to die. I didnt want to get high. No, I took bunch of Wellbutrin. I dont know why that test came out like that. Anyhow. I really like my new psychiatrist. At 1st I wasnt so sure because she laughed when I told her my reason for trying to kill myself. But its okay, I guess. We talked for almost an hour. She asked lots of questions. Towards the end she told me that she thought I was bi-polar. That totally shocked me. I always thought bipolar people were really crazy and very angry. I did have some of the symptoms. I had an experience which occurred right after the 1st time I tried to kill myself. It was definetly out of the ordinary for me...a sort of acting out. I wrote about this in an earlier blog with the word stupid in the title. This is something that I regret more than words can say. Another symptom is overspending. My husband has taken my debit card away from me on more than one occasion. Also, my credit card was shredded. I have my card back now, but Bryan keeps track of my purchases via the computer. On the other hand I dont think that I've ever had those manic attacks or whatever they are called. So, I told my psychiatrist that I didnt think that I was bi-polar. So, she didnt persue that avenue. She did up my meds. I went from 50mg zoloft to 100mg zoloft. She also gave me something to help me sleep. So far its not working. Its 12:06 am right now. I'll see her again in 4 weeks. When my husband got home from work I told him all about my apt. I was shocked when Bryan agreed with my psychiatrist. "No way! Not possible!" I told him. But he says that I do have those manic episodes. I dont know if I agree with that. I mean, how long are manic episodes supposed to last. Now I'm confused. Bryan Said that he'll go with me on my next apt

Okay, now the 2nd thing I wanted to talk about. I think I've mentioned that I wasnt very close to my mom. All my life I thought that she didnt love me. She hardly ever talks to me or visits me. She never invites me to the family barbecues that they throw. But after I tried to commit suicide she started visiting more. She even came by and cleaned my condo one day. But she didnt visit all this week. I was wondering why. Then on Thursday night she called and told me that she was going to the hospital the next day for a procedure. She made it sound like no big deal but I knew better. Unfortunetly, on Friday I woke up with a horrible migraine. Bryan keeps all the pills locked up in our safe. He has the only key. So, I had no access to even tylenol or excedrin. So, it was really hard to leave my bed that morning. I didnt get to the hospital until a little after 4pm. My dad was in the room when I got there. But I wasnt going to let him stop me from visiting my mom. I wasnt going to be afraid. Nope. I just completely ignored him. I went to my mom's bedside. She looked so frail and week. I showed her the flowers, balloon, and little gift that I gave her. She was really happy. I got her purple flowers because thats her favorite color. She looked like she could barely stay awake. She was on a liquid diet. She threw up a lot. She was very nauseous and she was also in a lot of pain. I cleaned up for her. When she fell asleep again I gave her a kiss and left. I didnt want to risk my dad trying to talk to me. I visited again on Saturday. I was able to stay longer since he wasnt there. She is supposed to be discharged soon. So, I will have to go to her house to see her. She'll be in pain for awhile. She prob will need someone to cook for her. I know that my dad and brother wont cook for her. My dad will probaly get her fast food. So, I'm just going to have to get over this fear of being in the same room with him. Its scary to even  think about it.

I'm doing a lot better than I was before. I'm not as depressed. I guess the zoloft is finally kicking in. But... I dont know. I still feel like my life is pointless. I keep some old prescriptions in the bottom of my sock drawer just in case. They probaly wouldn't do any damage, though. Really the best thing is gonna be anti-depressants because of the seizures. That'll be a totally painless way to go. But Bryan hides those from me. I just cant help feeling that I come from nowhere and I'm going nowhere. All I'm doing is dragging Bryan down with me. I still dont have a job. To be honest I'm not really looking too hard. Good thing is that Bryan is not really pushing me. He says he just wants me to get better. But I know he's worried about our financial situation. But, really, I dont know what kind of job I could get. I'm tired all the time. I cant be on my feet too long. We tried to go to the gym earlier this week. We used to go all the time. I couldn't even do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Pathetic. Well, thats enough rambling for now. My 2nd therapy session is in a few days. I'll check back in then.