6 posts tagged “father”

Okay. First of all, I decided not to direct my entries to my father. Its too weird and just makes me angry. Secondly, as I was rereading some of my previous entries I realized I haven't updated my medical problems. I dont know if anyone actually reads my posts but I decided to update just in case.

Well, as mentioned I had another visit to my psychiatrist. I was still feeling a lot of anxiety and got depressed easily. So she upped my meds again. I'm still at 300 for my seroquel xr. However, my lamictal went from 100 to 200. I think its better. My moods been a lot better lately. Now my only problem is that I'm so tired almost all the time. Last week I saw my regular doctor. They drew blood because he wanted to check my thyroid level again. He's thinking of raising my synthroid medication from 50 to 75. But like a good doctor he wants to make sure first. Thats why they drew blood. Its been a week. I still haven't heard from them so I'll have to call them on Monday.

Last week I also met my new therapist. She's younger than my last therapist. ( the one who baker acted me. No way was I going back to see her.) Anyways. My new therapist, Barbara, is also a children's therapist. There's a lot of toys in her office. She talks kinda funny. Probaly because she's so used to dealing with kids. But once I got past that she was really nice. I was able to talk to her. And she didnt pressure me to talk during the silences. She'd give me a minute to think and if I didnt say anything then she'd ask a question. Thats what I liked about her. Because sometimes I find it difficult to talk. I do need to be drawn out with questions. With my last therapist the silences just seemed to go on and on. So, I set up my apt with Barbara to be every Monday. Hopefully, she can help me.

Okay. I think thats the last of my update.  My insurance company, aetna, has a sort of counseling service. I have a lady that calls me every few weeks to check up with me. She also sends me information and helps me find doctors. Well, she's the one who reccomended that I write everyday and have it directed to someone in particular, I do think its a good idea that I write everyday but I think its kinda weird to direct it to someone. I've had counselors and therapists in the past reccomend keeping a journal. One counselor even told me to write a letter to my Dad stating all my feelings but not to mail it. Well, I wroye the letter but I mailed it. That was way back when I wasnt talking to him. He replied, too. But it didnt turn out well. He still denies...everything. Anyhow, I will continue this online journal idea. I will try to write every day. I've never been good at that, tho. Even when I was younger and kept a diary. I only wrote once every couple of months. So, we'll see how this goes.

Ricardo-

Hello, Ricardo how's it going? I chose you to direct my journaling because I never had the courage to talk to you. I almost wish you could answer me back. I just dont understand. Was it just the drinking or did you really feel that way about me? Did you hate me? Did you really think I was a 13 year old whore? Did you think I was ugly and useless? You said so many hurtful things to me over the years. And you"ve never apolagized. Well I guess I'll never know.

Well, how good of a father were you when you pulled me out of school when I was 14 and then didnt bother to homeschool me.Oh, Ricardo. There are so many questions that I have? So many why"s? Why were you harder on me than you were on my other siblings.They both had babies at 16 yet you took them back in and paid for alot of the babies" neccessities. I, on the other hand wasnt allowed to even speak to another member of the opposite sex. You spied on me constantly. Always going through my things, reading my  diary. You even followed me to the movies or where ever I met my friends. You would continuously just 'bump into us'.Well, I'm tired.

Okay so its not actually a new idea. I've kept a journal for as long as i can remember. I think I was 12 or 13. I've got like 5 notebooks which I saved. ( I threw one away because it was too depressing) As I got older I started writing less and less. After I got married I pretty much stopped because Bry was a little weirded out. Well, now my therapist and counselors wants me to go back to journaling. They say that blogging is'nt the same as journaling.

Ok. So heres how its supposed to work: I'm supposed to write every single day no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Also, I'm supposed to write it as if I'm talking to a specific persn such as a deceased loved one, a fictional person or even a live person that I still know. I'm also supposed to keep a notebook and pencil by the bed to jot down any thoughts or dreams I may have throuh-out the night.

That last point is a good idea, I'm always having weird dreams or nightmares. Unfortunetly, I can never seem to remember them when I wake up.Now I just have to figure out who I will direct my writing to. Hmmm.... The person I'm closest to is my husband but it just seems kinda weird to direct this to him. I already tell him everything anyways. There is one person thats always there..always on my mind no matter how much I wish he'd go away. He's also the reason why I'm in therapy. That , ofcourse is my Dad. But I wont call him Dad. He's not deserving of that title.

I was never close to my father. I tried so hard to be good but he was never satisfied. Afterall, I was only a girl. According to him girls should be in the kitchen and should never have any opinions different than his.I should probaly end it now and start my 1st entry.

My dad was supposed to go to jail on Monday. Well, they gave him two more weeks. Thats the second time they've done that. I'm beginning to think that he wont be going. They'll probaly change it to community service or something stupid like that. Anyhow. Remember, I said everything was going great. Well, I saw my dad on Sunday when I dropped my Mom off. He was outside. He smiled and waved at me. Can you believe that??? But the worst part is that I waved back. Why, why, why?????? I hate him! I swear to God, I hate him. And yet I cant ever seem to not be nice to him. Growing up respect was majorly ground into us. So I cannot disrespect him no matter how much I want to hate him.

It gets worse. Ever since I saw my Dad I cant get him out of my head. I keep dreaming about him. And they're not my usual dreams where he just happens to be there but doesnt say or do anything. This time I'm terrified of him. In my dreams he keeps trying to touch me or hug me and I'm so scared that I start screaming and all of a sudden there are a bunch of people there looking at me as if I'm crazy. These are really weird dreams. I wish they'd stop. And when I'm awake I cant keep the images of what he did out of my head. That was such a long time ago. Why cant I get over it?

As if my "Dad' problems aren't enough this morning this lady came by with summons papers. The hospital is sueing us. Omg! How are we supposed to come up with $16,000. We were making payments. Why isn't that good enough? Thats it for now. I'm tired.

My Letter
Current mood: numb
Category: Life

In my last blog I told you that my father wrote me a letter of apolagy. However, there is so much that he didnt say in his letter. He seems to think that all our problems stem from his refusing to attend my wedding. Actually our problems go back much farther. Yes, he said he was sorry. Yes, it was a very sweet letter. But at what cost. It took my almost dying for him to utter those words. And he couldnt even say them in person. Is he really sorry or is it just guilt speaking? I also have to consider that I'm very fragile right now. I need to think of my mental health. So here is my response to his letter:

To my father:
I really dont know what to say. Your letter came as a complete shock to me. I want you to know that I've thought of you often. There have been so many times that I've thought of going over there to say Hi. You are my father and I will always love you. But I'm not ready to see you yet. I'm sorry but I am not the strong person that your letter makes me out to be.

I dont want to make you unhappy but I think its time you hear from me how I feel. This is so much more than just a missed wedding. I did not have a happy childhood. I know now that thats partly because I suffer from depression. Who knows how long I've suffered from this illness. But also I've had unhappy and traumatic memories hiding in the back of my mind. I think this all started when I revealed that I still remember those nights when you entered my room when I was a child. Now I cant even think of you without thinking of that also. Its to the point that I cant even remember any of the good memories right now. I'm told that thats a symptom of PTSD.

Dad, I love you but I'm also scared of you. I'm scared that if I see you I will crumble and break. I dont want to be that scared little girl anymore. I was always so afraid of displeasing you. I want to be strong but I'm afraid that this illness called depression will win. The only thing keeping me alive right now is Bryan. Part of me really wishes that those pills had done what they were supposed to do. I dont want to be here but Bryan wants me to be here. So, I will do my best to live and to cope.

I wish I could see you. I wish we could be a big happy family. But the truth is that I've never really been part of a family. I wouldnt know how to deal with that.

Dad, I love you. I always have and I always will. I hope that one day we can get together and try to be a family. But right now I need to try to get stronger. I'm sorry. I hope my words haven't caused you any additional pain. That was not my intention.
-Becky-

I am still in complete shock. Something I never thought would ever happen has happened. After all these years my father has apolagized to me. He wrote me a letter. Those of you who know me know what a huge deal this is. This from a man who never says sorry, who is never wrong, who must always have his way. Those who know me know what he did...know how he treated me all my life....know just how badly he's hurt me over and over again. Now he says he's sorry. Should I forgive him? Is this our chance to try to be a family? You tell me. I'm going to print word for word his letter. Here goes:

Dear Rebecca,
Hi Mija. I'm so sorry in the circumstances that I find myself in, that I'm needing to write you a letter so I can communicate with you. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I know its my fault for being so stubborn and letting my egotism get the best of me.I am so sorry Rebecca mi hija for letting that happen. Because I do love you very very much, and your loving husband bryan who has done a very good job taking care of you, mija. I cannot express enough how very sorry I am. I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And most importantly of all mijita Rebecca I'm so very sorry for not being at your wedding. Please, mija, forgive me.I'm so sorry. I dont know what I was thinking. I just dont know mija. I wish I could change the clock back but I cant. Please forgive me, mijita. You just dont know how much I've been regretting it. I wait for the day you and Bryan can show me the video of your wedding together. I've seen your pictures of you and Bryan on your wedding day. You looked so beautiful and so happy, and please please forgive me for not being there. I, too, miss it, regret it I was not there. I cannot ever get that back. Please forgive me.

Mija, Rebecca, one thing I do know is that you have found yourself a good man there with Bryan. He loves you very much and I know that you love him also. And with that much love you cant help it but make it. And you two are still doing strong no matter what Satan has thrown at you. But the most important thing was love. Never forget that. Because I do believe now that you and Bryan were made for one another. Please also ask Bryan to forgive me.And I do ask it. Please forgive me, Bryan.

I do love you very, Rebecca, mija. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me because I would very much like to be a part in your lives. I miss you very much, not being able to hug you and say I love you, take care.That hurts mija because I love you and miss you. I'm already going to be 50yrs soon but at times I feel 60 and feel so tired. At times it may not seem like it but I am. Well Becky mija I love you very much as well as Bryan. You two take care of yourselves. And I hope very much that I will hear from you, Becky. Love you.

Your Dad,
Ricardo