4 posts tagged “hospital”

As mentioned earlier, last week (Monday), I was released from the Glens. I'd been in there about a week after I was baker acted by my therapist (now ex-therapist). Well, about 2 days after being home my cousin, Josh, calls me and asked if I wanted to go to Ohio to visit my cousin Marisa. At first I was really nervous. Afterall, I had just arrived home after a month of being gone. Things were not quite back to normal with my husband yet. And I've never been out of town w/o my husband before. But my cousin's husband wanted me to go as a surprise visit for Marisa. She was really upset by my latest hospital stay. He also offered to pay for the visit. Marisa'spretty much the only cousin that I'm actually close to. And I hadnt been able to visit her in the 3 yrs she's been living in Ohio. My husband is a workaholic. Its very difficult for him to get time off from work. A nd even he was encouraging me to go. So, on Thursday evening I met Josh at his job and off we went to Ohio.

We arrived in Ohio on Friday morning at about 9am. We mat at Lewis' job. He called Marisa with some excuse for her to get there. When she got there she was really surprised to see us, especially me. She hugged me and then she poked me. It was like she couldnt believe I was there. I could barely believe I was there. Wow.

Anyhow, we had a great time. We hung out with her friends playing video games the first night...went on a shopping spree the second day then off to a fancy Italian restaurant in Kentucky...the third day we went downtown. It was cool. I took lots of pictures and bought some souvenires. All in all I had a very good time. It was nice to not have to think about my problems for a few days.

When I finally got back home on Monday night I was exhausted and so glad to be back home. My husband must've missed me because he was so different when I git back...much more like the Bryan I first married. He seems to want to ignore the last month and the marital problems we had. I wasnt too happy at first but then decided to go along. Afterall, peace is always better than fighting. But in the back of my mind I'm always going to remember that he almost left me and our marriage. If I have another episode will he leave me for good? I dont know. I try not to think about it.

In other news, I had an apt with my pschycologist on Tuesday. Since I'm still feeling some anxiety she upped my seroquel xr from 150 to 300. My lamictal is still at 100. Today when I woke up I was really dizzy, that kinda made me nauseous. I felt better once I was out of bed. She did say I might feel weird at first but it should go away in like a week. All in all, I think I am doing a lot better. The suicidal feelings are gone now. I have a bit more energy for housework. So, hopefully I'm on the right meds and doses now. I have another apt next week. She wants to see how the new dose is working. So, we'll see. Hopefully no more changes.

Okay so in my last post I spoke of my hospitalization after my 3rd (and hopefully final) suicide attempt. I was there Saturday May 2nd to Friday May 8th. I was free for four days. Four awful days. Let me explain. When I was out of the hospital I went to stay with my mother-in-law because my husband was angry with me. It was a very confusing four days because sometimes he was nice to me. He was the Bryan that I first married. And he kept asking me to come back home. But most of the time he was very angry. We argued a lot. He made me cry a lot. I was an emotional wreck. I didnt know if my marriage was over.

On Wednesday May 13th I had a pre-scheduled appointment with my therapist. I spoke to her honestly hoping that she could help me. Instead she baker acted me. I was in complete shock. I thought therapy was supposed to help me not lock me up. Any way, as soon as she told me what she was gonna do I started texting so people would know what was happening and wouldnt think I took off or something. I told everyone that I was going back to Manatee Memorial because thats what she told me. As soon as the policeman arrived he confiscated my phone. I had to ride in the back like a common criminal. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever be in the back of a police car. The seats were hard and dirty. I did my best not to touch anything.then I looked out the window. It didnt take long before I realized that he wasnt taking me to Manatee Memorial Hospital. Oh God No! Pretty soon I was standing in front of Manatee Glens, my prison until yesterday.

I hated it there. I got there about noon. I had to wait in a very tiny room with lots of windows so they could watch me. The only thing in the room was two chairs. They brought me food. I dont know what it was. It looked like mush but tasted like chicken, maybe. There was no handle on the door, bars on the only window. No bathroom. I was trapped. I was in that tiny room until 6pm. Finally my real room was ready.

There was a plus. My aunt works there and she was on duty for the first two days that I was there. She was so nice to me. She bought me chocolate and sodas. She gave me her sweater since I was cold. She was nice and she was supportive. She and I had long talks. She is very spiritual so she reminded me that God will always love me. I felt a void on the days that she wasnt there.

I also made friends there. There was Sawyer the firefighter. She really shoulnt have been there. Her friends had her baker acted just because she was depressed one day and they knew she owned guns. There was also Marvin. He was there for anger management. He didnt seem angry to me, tho. He was the sweetest. He was just dealt a bad blow. Then there was William. Apparrantly his daughters grew up with Bryan. I've met them before briefly. I've never met him, though. Well, I guess he's Bipolar just like me. Thats what cost him his marriage 20 years ago. He's a very nice man , though. He's the same religion as me so he was a great asset. We talked a lot about God.

Even though I made a few friends there I still wasnt happy. I didnt like it there. It was so much stricter than Manatee Memorial. The door to our rooms locked automatically behind us. We were'nt allowed to keep them open. So anytime we had to use the bathroom or get something we had to get one of the techs to open the door. Sometimes they were too busy and we'd have to wait. We had to attend meetings 3 times a day which were really boring. The only one I liked was the art one. That one was only twice a week, though. It was just so annoying being there. Especially since I felt I didnt belong there this time.

The days were long. The longer I was there the more depressed I got. It didnt help that Bryan didnt call me for three days. Then he finally came to visit me on Saturday and we spent the entire visit fighting. On top of that all the meds had me so tired and listless. Yesterday was a very long day. I woke up at 1:30 am because my roomate felldown. She is an alcoholic. She is in a wheelchair and not so steady on her feet. Although, she insists she doesnt need the wheelchair. Anyhow she fell down in the bathroom so I went to get help. Then I went back to sleep. We got woken back up at 6am for vitals. After vitals is breakfast. Everyone lines up and gets their tray. After a little while I notice that everyone is eating except for Donna(my roomate). So I ask her if she wanted me to get her tray. She said yes. So I go to get it and then one of the techs is suddenly there snapping at me. 'What'll you think your doing? You cant do that.' I told him I was just getting Donnas food since she didnt have it yet. 'well, you cant do that.'he snapped again. so i go back in. by this time I was very upset. I wait a little while but then decide enough is enough. I start to approach the nurses station The same tech from before yells at me again. Tells me I cant go near the nurses station. It takes all the courage I can muster but I tell him I want to speak to the head nurse and it was important. He's like the head nurse is busy you can talk to her. and he points to med nurse. Another patient was sitting right in front of her so I thought maybe she was busy, too. I was about to ask if she was busy when he snapped'well, i thought you were gonna talk to her.' so I moved forward. I dont know why that Tony guy has to be so mean. I didnt do anything bad. Anyways I told the nurse that I wanted to leave. She starts to ramble on saying that I cant do that even though the baker act has now expired and I'm under voluntary. She starts to dismiss me and I'm like no way. I'm not stupid( note:if i'm talking back like this then you know I'm really frustrated). I have been in places like this enough times to know the rules. There's a form I can sign stating that I feel I am ready to leave. My doctor will then have 24 hours to decide if it is safe for me to go.She looked less than pleased but she got the form and we both signed it. Right after dealing with her I asked the other med nurse(it was shift change time) for an anxiety pill. She asked what was wrong and I told her about Tony. Then a week of frustration finally surfaced. I started crying right there in front of everyone. After that I paced the halls for a little bit and then took a nap. a little bit later in the day I was informed that I would be discharged. A couple hours after that I was discharched. Yes! Freedom at last!

 I cannot possibly explain how good it feels to finally leave a place like. The day befre I had told Bryan That I would come back home so thats where I went. Everyone has decided that I should not be left alone for awhile just to be on the safe side. Susan, my mother in law was with me today and I'm expexting her tomorrow. Today all I did was clean and organize. Tomorrow I have to do laundry. We also bought a ton of puzzles, crayons, paint, sudoku. I gotta find ways to keep busy, keep my mind occupied.

Oh, I almost forgot. The new doctor I saw, Dr. Crockett, changed my meds. He completely took me off of topomax. He increased my lamyctal(spelling?) from 25 to 100. And I still have my seroquel at 100. Today I felt so weird. I find it hard to talk. I'm stuttering. I have never in my life had a problem with stuttering. Its annoying. But other than that I think it might be ok. I actually had energy today. I got a lot done.

I have two things I want to talk about today. First of all I had my 1st apt with my new psychiatrist. She was a lot nicer than the psychiatrist that I had at the hospital. He never smiled. He just looked at me like I was a horrible person. I could tell he didnt believe me. He thought I was a druggie. Some test said that I took speed but I didnt. I've never done drugs. I wanted to die. I didnt want to get high. No, I took bunch of Wellbutrin. I dont know why that test came out like that. Anyhow. I really like my new psychiatrist. At 1st I wasnt so sure because she laughed when I told her my reason for trying to kill myself. But its okay, I guess. We talked for almost an hour. She asked lots of questions. Towards the end she told me that she thought I was bi-polar. That totally shocked me. I always thought bipolar people were really crazy and very angry. I did have some of the symptoms. I had an experience which occurred right after the 1st time I tried to kill myself. It was definetly out of the ordinary for me...a sort of acting out. I wrote about this in an earlier blog with the word stupid in the title. This is something that I regret more than words can say. Another symptom is overspending. My husband has taken my debit card away from me on more than one occasion. Also, my credit card was shredded. I have my card back now, but Bryan keeps track of my purchases via the computer. On the other hand I dont think that I've ever had those manic attacks or whatever they are called. So, I told my psychiatrist that I didnt think that I was bi-polar. So, she didnt persue that avenue. She did up my meds. I went from 50mg zoloft to 100mg zoloft. She also gave me something to help me sleep. So far its not working. Its 12:06 am right now. I'll see her again in 4 weeks. When my husband got home from work I told him all about my apt. I was shocked when Bryan agreed with my psychiatrist. "No way! Not possible!" I told him. But he says that I do have those manic episodes. I dont know if I agree with that. I mean, how long are manic episodes supposed to last. Now I'm confused. Bryan Said that he'll go with me on my next apt

Okay, now the 2nd thing I wanted to talk about. I think I've mentioned that I wasnt very close to my mom. All my life I thought that she didnt love me. She hardly ever talks to me or visits me. She never invites me to the family barbecues that they throw. But after I tried to commit suicide she started visiting more. She even came by and cleaned my condo one day. But she didnt visit all this week. I was wondering why. Then on Thursday night she called and told me that she was going to the hospital the next day for a procedure. She made it sound like no big deal but I knew better. Unfortunetly, on Friday I woke up with a horrible migraine. Bryan keeps all the pills locked up in our safe. He has the only key. So, I had no access to even tylenol or excedrin. So, it was really hard to leave my bed that morning. I didnt get to the hospital until a little after 4pm. My dad was in the room when I got there. But I wasnt going to let him stop me from visiting my mom. I wasnt going to be afraid. Nope. I just completely ignored him. I went to my mom's bedside. She looked so frail and week. I showed her the flowers, balloon, and little gift that I gave her. She was really happy. I got her purple flowers because thats her favorite color. She looked like she could barely stay awake. She was on a liquid diet. She threw up a lot. She was very nauseous and she was also in a lot of pain. I cleaned up for her. When she fell asleep again I gave her a kiss and left. I didnt want to risk my dad trying to talk to me. I visited again on Saturday. I was able to stay longer since he wasnt there. She is supposed to be discharged soon. So, I will have to go to her house to see her. She'll be in pain for awhile. She prob will need someone to cook for her. I know that my dad and brother wont cook for her. My dad will probaly get her fast food. So, I'm just going to have to get over this fear of being in the same room with him. Its scary to even  think about it.

So, here we go again. Its been over a year since that life changing event occurred. I thought I was all better. The pills that the Dr prescribed did what they were supposed to do. Yay! I was cured! Or so  I thought....

I had started a new job which is much farther from the dr's office. I was afraid to ask for time off to go see the dr. I didnt want to start off on the wrong foot, u know. I remembered being told once that some people are able to stop taking their antidepressants after just a few months. So, I cut my dose in half. About a month later I completely stopped taking my Wellbutrin. I still felt fine so I thought I did the right thing. Wrong!! 2 months later I had another breakdown. It happened so suddenly. I'm still shocked. My husband and I had a couple of disagreements. That by itself should have warned me because we never fight. Anyhow. After the 3rd one I decided that my husband didnt love me anymore. After dinner that night I took the rest of my Wellbutrin- about 25 pills.

I wrote him a good-bye note and went to go to sleep next to him. He must've thought that I was acting strange because he asked me if I took any pills. I've never been able to lie so I told him yes. He told me to get dressed and we drove to the hospital. A different one this time. I felt fine. I thought it was so silly to be going to the hospital. I remember that I found everything to be funny. They let us right in. We sat with the nurse who asked us all the preliminary questions and thats where my memories end. I woke up 2 days later in the ICU.

When I first woke up I could barely talk. I could think like normal of all the things I wanted to say but my words all came out in slow motion. Luckily, that only lasted a day or two. My speaking is back to normal now. Another problem was that I could not walk. I could not even get out of bed. That took a little over a week but I was able to use my legs again. Ofcourse, my legs still hurt a lot and I'm still kinda wobbly. But I'm a lot better than I was. A third problem was that I developed pneumonia .  That was pretty bad. The cough is mostly gone now.

I was in the hospital for 8 days. After that I was sent to a psych facility. I was there for 2 days. I got home yesterday. I'm not quite sure how I feel yet. My legs are killing me. That is starting to worry me. Part of me wants to tell my hubby to hide all the pills because I cant promise that I wont ever do this again. Another part wants to reassure him that everythings better now. But is it???