5 posts tagged “journal”

Dear Mind,
Someone gave me the real good idea to address my journal entries to 'dear God'. ...Okay. So ..how was my day??? I overslept as usual. Woke up at noon. The rushed over to my mother-in-law's house to do laundry. I was in a hurry because I had to be done by 4pm at the latest. It was ok. I was really hot. I mean this is Florida in June and I was wearing a long skirt with long sleeves. What was I thinking?? But I was out of clean clothes. We had'nt done laundry in two weeks. I dont really mind spending alot of time with my mother-in-law. I consider her my friend. But sometimes (dont mean to be rude) she talks too much. And lately I get annoyed easily. Could be because I'm so tired. And ofcourse she also takes Bryan's side. I'm sorry but I dont quite understand why he's so angry with me. I'm bipolar. Its a medical condition. Its not like I woke up one morning and said' I think I'll ruin Bryan's day by trying to kill myself'. no!! And why is always about him? He always thinks I'm trying to get back at him or something. I'm not. This is what  people dont get. I was perfectly fine for months, then one day I had a bad day and decided that the world would be  better without me in it. Simple as that. Sometimes I dont get it either. But the people around me are always blaming me and asking why? Why? why? How many times do I have to say I DONT KNOW!! I just felt like it. Geeze.
Omg! Totally went off there. Sorry. Anyhow, I did laundry then met my husband at home then we went to the gym. Thank God because I've gained so much weight thanks to the stupid depokote. Ugh! Afterwards we went grocery shopping and I didnt buy any sweets. Yay! Thats it for today. Bye! 
 
(cutting & pasting might help me keep up with all of my blogs)

ok. Remember the sites I mentioned yesterday?? Well, I really like one of them. Its the realmentalhealth one. I seem to be spending alot of time there. I had like 8 comments to my journal which I just posted last night. And almost everyone on there is bipolar. I dont kno if I can keep up with 2 or more journals. So..just in case here is the link to my journal over there:     http://social.realmentalhealth.com/myblogs/bb4205

Okay. First of all, I decided not to direct my entries to my father. Its too weird and just makes me angry. Secondly, as I was rereading some of my previous entries I realized I haven't updated my medical problems. I dont know if anyone actually reads my posts but I decided to update just in case.

Well, as mentioned I had another visit to my psychiatrist. I was still feeling a lot of anxiety and got depressed easily. So she upped my meds again. I'm still at 300 for my seroquel xr. However, my lamictal went from 100 to 200. I think its better. My moods been a lot better lately. Now my only problem is that I'm so tired almost all the time. Last week I saw my regular doctor. They drew blood because he wanted to check my thyroid level again. He's thinking of raising my synthroid medication from 50 to 75. But like a good doctor he wants to make sure first. Thats why they drew blood. Its been a week. I still haven't heard from them so I'll have to call them on Monday.

Last week I also met my new therapist. She's younger than my last therapist. ( the one who baker acted me. No way was I going back to see her.) Anyways. My new therapist, Barbara, is also a children's therapist. There's a lot of toys in her office. She talks kinda funny. Probaly because she's so used to dealing with kids. But once I got past that she was really nice. I was able to talk to her. And she didnt pressure me to talk during the silences. She'd give me a minute to think and if I didnt say anything then she'd ask a question. Thats what I liked about her. Because sometimes I find it difficult to talk. I do need to be drawn out with questions. With my last therapist the silences just seemed to go on and on. So, I set up my apt with Barbara to be every Monday. Hopefully, she can help me.

Okay. I think thats the last of my update.  My insurance company, aetna, has a sort of counseling service. I have a lady that calls me every few weeks to check up with me. She also sends me information and helps me find doctors. Well, she's the one who reccomended that I write everyday and have it directed to someone in particular, I do think its a good idea that I write everyday but I think its kinda weird to direct it to someone. I've had counselors and therapists in the past reccomend keeping a journal. One counselor even told me to write a letter to my Dad stating all my feelings but not to mail it. Well, I wroye the letter but I mailed it. That was way back when I wasnt talking to him. He replied, too. But it didnt turn out well. He still denies...everything. Anyhow, I will continue this online journal idea. I will try to write every day. I've never been good at that, tho. Even when I was younger and kept a diary. I only wrote once every couple of months. So, we'll see how this goes.

Ricardo-

Hello, Ricardo how's it going? I chose you to direct my journaling because I never had the courage to talk to you. I almost wish you could answer me back. I just dont understand. Was it just the drinking or did you really feel that way about me? Did you hate me? Did you really think I was a 13 year old whore? Did you think I was ugly and useless? You said so many hurtful things to me over the years. And you"ve never apolagized. Well I guess I'll never know.

Well, how good of a father were you when you pulled me out of school when I was 14 and then didnt bother to homeschool me.Oh, Ricardo. There are so many questions that I have? So many why"s? Why were you harder on me than you were on my other siblings.They both had babies at 16 yet you took them back in and paid for alot of the babies" neccessities. I, on the other hand wasnt allowed to even speak to another member of the opposite sex. You spied on me constantly. Always going through my things, reading my  diary. You even followed me to the movies or where ever I met my friends. You would continuously just 'bump into us'.Well, I'm tired.

Okay so its not actually a new idea. I've kept a journal for as long as i can remember. I think I was 12 or 13. I've got like 5 notebooks which I saved. ( I threw one away because it was too depressing) As I got older I started writing less and less. After I got married I pretty much stopped because Bry was a little weirded out. Well, now my therapist and counselors wants me to go back to journaling. They say that blogging is'nt the same as journaling.

Ok. So heres how its supposed to work: I'm supposed to write every single day no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Also, I'm supposed to write it as if I'm talking to a specific persn such as a deceased loved one, a fictional person or even a live person that I still know. I'm also supposed to keep a notebook and pencil by the bed to jot down any thoughts or dreams I may have throuh-out the night.

That last point is a good idea, I'm always having weird dreams or nightmares. Unfortunetly, I can never seem to remember them when I wake up.Now I just have to figure out who I will direct my writing to. Hmmm.... The person I'm closest to is my husband but it just seems kinda weird to direct this to him. I already tell him everything anyways. There is one person thats always there..always on my mind no matter how much I wish he'd go away. He's also the reason why I'm in therapy. That , ofcourse is my Dad. But I wont call him Dad. He's not deserving of that title.

I was never close to my father. I tried so hard to be good but he was never satisfied. Afterall, I was only a girl. According to him girls should be in the kitchen and should never have any opinions different than his.I should probaly end it now and start my 1st entry.