10 posts tagged “life”

So, here we go again. Its been over a year since that life changing event occurred. I thought I was all better. The pills that the Dr prescribed did what they were supposed to do. Yay! I was cured! Or so  I thought....

I had started a new job which is much farther from the dr's office. I was afraid to ask for time off to go see the dr. I didnt want to start off on the wrong foot, u know. I remembered being told once that some people are able to stop taking their antidepressants after just a few months. So, I cut my dose in half. About a month later I completely stopped taking my Wellbutrin. I still felt fine so I thought I did the right thing. Wrong!! 2 months later I had another breakdown. It happened so suddenly. I'm still shocked. My husband and I had a couple of disagreements. That by itself should have warned me because we never fight. Anyhow. After the 3rd one I decided that my husband didnt love me anymore. After dinner that night I took the rest of my Wellbutrin- about 25 pills.

I wrote him a good-bye note and went to go to sleep next to him. He must've thought that I was acting strange because he asked me if I took any pills. I've never been able to lie so I told him yes. He told me to get dressed and we drove to the hospital. A different one this time. I felt fine. I thought it was so silly to be going to the hospital. I remember that I found everything to be funny. They let us right in. We sat with the nurse who asked us all the preliminary questions and thats where my memories end. I woke up 2 days later in the ICU.

When I first woke up I could barely talk. I could think like normal of all the things I wanted to say but my words all came out in slow motion. Luckily, that only lasted a day or two. My speaking is back to normal now. Another problem was that I could not walk. I could not even get out of bed. That took a little over a week but I was able to use my legs again. Ofcourse, my legs still hurt a lot and I'm still kinda wobbly. But I'm a lot better than I was. A third problem was that I developed pneumonia .  That was pretty bad. The cough is mostly gone now.

I was in the hospital for 8 days. After that I was sent to a psych facility. I was there for 2 days. I got home yesterday. I'm not quite sure how I feel yet. My legs are killing me. That is starting to worry me. Part of me wants to tell my hubby to hide all the pills because I cant promise that I wont ever do this again. Another part wants to reassure him that everythings better now. But is it???

Oh my gosh!!!!! I really should've been born blonde. Ok. So I have my own laptop that my hubby bought me last year for our anniversary. Well, this weekend I was making some changes to my windows account and I somehow changed the password?????? What the heck!!? How did I do that??? Well, then we couldnt even get into my computer. We had to call customer support and they reset my computer. So, now I'm starting from scratch with my computer and setting up firefox all over again. Omg!!!! Shoot me now, pleeeeeze! Thank god I actually remembered my password on here. There are some sites that I have to start over because I couldnt remember the password (I always save my password so I dont have to enter it each time.)Oh, I couldnt have the password sent to my e-mail because I recently got a new e-mail address and havent updated all my accounts yet. Arrrgh!!!!!! So, I'm starting over on facebook and secondlife. Geeze! This time I'm leaving my husband in charge of the administrative account. That way I cant screw it up again. Whew!

    Shortly after I began taking my anti-depressants my husband's best friend moved to North Carolina. Bryan and Paul had been best friends since they were in the 1st grade of elementry school. I was close to him , too. Paul came over to our house at least once a week to hang out. We'd watch movies or play board games. We all kept in touch through myspace and instant messaging. We were like a trio of best friends. Somehow, things changed.
    Paul and I started talking more and more. Growing up I never had any friends. I was so happy to have some finally. But his comments got increasingly more sexual. I didnt stop him, though. I suppose I was flattered by the attention. Eventually, he asked me for a picture of myself only wearing under garments. I said no, but he kept asking and asking. I felt bad and didnt want to disappoint him. So, I did sent him a picture. What's strange is that this was'nt some secret affair. I was never attracted to Paul. He was one of the only friends I had. I didnt want to disappoint him. I told myself that I was just helping him out since he was in his early 20's and never had a girlfriend. I didnt think that I was doing anything wrong.
    From the very beginning I told Bryan everything. So, he was not left in the dark. He thought it was funny. He was like, " Paul can fantasize all he wants, but I have you." Therefore, I didnt feel any guilt. I thought I was just doing something nice for my good buddy, Paul. The sexual comments continued. He would ask about my sex life with Bryan and I would tell him about it. He tried to have an online sex chat but I didnt understand what he wanted so he dropped it. He'd ask for more and more pictures and I'd send them. He's ask for certain poses, or certain levels of nudity. No questions. I just did it. While all this took place I still told myself that I was doing a favor for Paul. Bryan was'nt kept in the dark so where's the harm?
    Then came the night when I was home alone. Paul and I were talking online again. A line was definetly crossed. I dont know how it came about but I ended up making the orgasm sounds over the phone for Paul. He made himself cum. Afterwards, it was like wow! Did I just do that? When Bryan came home that night I told him everything that happened. Finally, I got a negative reaction from him. He was pretty upset.
    It didnt hit me fully until a few days later when we were sitting down talking about it. I started crying uncontrollably. I begged Bryan to forgive me. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I begged Bryan to forgive Paul, too. I didnt want to be the cause of a friendship breaking up. A few days later Bryan started talking to Paul again. (I had already cut off all contact with Paul. I told him to never contact me again. And he never has.)
    Ofcourse, Bryan's friendship with Paul was never the same. Eventually, a few months later their friendship kinda just drifted away. Bryan says it wasnt my fault...that there were other factors. But I know better.

    I decided that my blog should include all the nitty gritty stuff that makes me who I am. So, just a warning : this post may have some material that is not suitable for all ears. Anyhow. I was married on April 2, 2005. Before marriage I was a virgin because I was raised in a very religious household. I was fine with that. I was very proud of the fact that I was still so 'pure' and 'innocent' in this day and age. It was'nt until after I was married and introduced to a world including sex that I realized that I was a very troubled young woman.
     I loved my husband very much. I just never seemed to be able to get into enjoying sex. It always seemed like a chore I had to do to please my husband. I didnt really like kissing either. What was wrong with me???
    Late in 2006 I finally admitted to myself something which I'd kept locked in my mind for years and years. It took a long time but I finally had to admit that the events that occurred when I was a little girl may have had more of an impact than I'd 1st thought. Even now I hate even saying it. It still seems unreal. But I have memories which refuse to go away. I keep telling myself that it wasnt a big deal. So many people have been through so much worse and yet they cope with it. Omg! Just say it! Okay....when I was 9 years old I was molested my my father.
    There. I said it. It happened. I still remember when my dad used to come into my room at night and lie down with me. He would snuggle very close to me and put his arms around me.  That  by itself was strange because my family was never the lovey dovey hugging type of family. Ofcourse, I also remember how his hands would creep under my shirt. His hands seemed to be everywhere.  I remember trying to pull down my shirt. I felt so dirty....so ugly. But I never said no...I never said stop....I never said a word.I would lie awake just waiting for him to leave.  It seemed like forever before he did. One night I locked the door so he could'nt come in. My parents were banging on the door the next morning to wake me and my sister for church. When we finally heard and opened the door I could tell from the look on his face that he knew why that door was locked. He dismissed everyone from the room and sat down to have a talk with me. It seemed like such a long talk. I remember feeling embarrassed. He had his excuses. He blamed his time in prison. He said he couldnt help looking at me. I didnt care about his excuses.  All that mattered was that his nightly trips to my bed at night stopped. But our relationship  was never right.
    After I finally admitted the molestation I went into a deep depression. I was sad and angry a lot. I loved my husband so much. I hated myself for not being a better wife to him. Pretty soon I started telling myself that he would be better off without me. In May of 07 I tried to commit suicide. I took almost 30 prescription migraine pills. I must not of been thinking right because I thought I would still be able to go work before I died. I was in a car accident on the way to work. I was in a comotose state for a whole day. The last thing I remember is leaving the apt in the morning and waking up in the ICU that night. I was put on suicide watch. I was never left alone. There was always someone in the room with me...even if I went to the bathroom.Every few hour a nurse took my blood. By the time I left the hospital my arms were black and blue.
    After leaving the hospital I was sent to a phyc unit a few blocks away. I had to share a room with an old lady who snored. Most of the people there were drug addicts. We had alot of group therapy sessions. We had to play stupid games, etc, etc, etc. I wasnt allowed visitors except for 30 minutes once a day. Therapists, social workers, and doctors were always asking nosy questions. I was only there for 2 1/2 days but it felt like forever. When I left I cant even descibe to you the feeling of finally being free.
    After that ordeal I scheduled a visit to a counselor just like I was reccommended. I was also put on anti-depressants. But it took awhile to fing one that actually worked. Stay tuned for more.......

I just started a new job and I love it. I had to leave my last job because there were no benefits and it was costing me too much since I had to buy all my own supplies. I'd always had a good working relationship with everyone that I worked with. I was surprised when my boss told me to leave when I went to turn in my 2 weeks notice. Then she wouldnt give the parents the good-bye letters that I wrote and she ordered me to never return. Omg!! I was shocked and outraged. I was also very hurt. I cared a lot for those children and the parents opinions of me mattered a lot to me. So, I reacted by taking the supplies that I purchased with me when I left. I was entitled to them since I paid for them myself. Ofcourse, I had to practically beg to get my things returned to me. And a lot of my stuff is still there. To make matters even worse I wasn't paid my next to last paycheck. They skipped over that and only gave me my last paycheck wich was only for 14hrs. When my husband brought this to their attention they said that they did send it to payroll. So, we waited but it never arrived. When my husband called again she actually called the police on him. She told them that he was harassing him. Geeze! We decided we're not dealing with her anymore. She's obviously unstable. The way that she's reacted and because of behavior that I've witnessed in the past I really do believe that she is bi-polar. Today I called the Department of labor. They said they would investigate the matter and that we should hear back in 7 days. I really hope that they can get the money that I'm owed. It is so unfair how I've been treated. I feel so bad for the children. They deserve so much better. They never should've bought a daycare. They dont buy anything for the kids....ever. Oh, those poor kids. 

Hey there! I seem to always be changing my hair. For a long time I had curly hair. In March I had my hair straightened.(I did it myself. Saved $75. Woo-hoo!) I really like how it turned out. But then I got split ends so I had to go to the salon and fix them. Ofcourse, I wasn't satisfied with just a trim. So, I cut my hair about shoulder length. Afterwards, I still felt like something was missing. I talked to my co-workers about it. Monica suggested adding highlights. Now, I have never had highlights before. So, I was a bit nervous but also excited. Right after work I went to CVS and bought a box of Loreal highlighting stuff. My sister just got done doing it. Its a lot brighter than I thought it would be. wow. I'll make sure to take a picture tomorrow when its dry. I have'nt decided yet if I like it.

Chip

Pepper

guess what??? i love cats. yes. yes. i know, just another thing that makes me a dork. ok. so, i have 4 cats. does that make me the crazy cat lady???? hmmm....

i got all my cats after i was married. so, i have'nt had them too long. first we adopted chip from the humane society. he was only 6 months at the time. he's all grey. he's a neutered male. he's very territorial. he was not pleased when we brought other cats into his territory.

the 2nd cat we adopted was pepper. she was also 6 months when we got her. she's actually the only cat that we named. her name was reef when we got her. we were like "no way! yuck!" so, i picked the name pepper. she's grey with black zebra stripes. u kno, actually, she chose us. my husband was bent down petting another cat and pepper jumped on his back. i'll never forget that. she's our most cuddly cat. no matter who's sitting on the couch she'll jump on their lap and stay there all night. so, you've been warned.

ok, then. our 3rd cat is stevie. he's my baby even tho he's actually the oldest cat. he's all black except for a white patch on his tummy. he was 2 yrs old when we adopted him. the lady at the shelter cried. he was there all his life. that is why he scares so easily. the 1st month we had him he hid in the corner all day. he hissed at us whenever we came near him. we called him mr. hissy. it took a lot of patience but we eventually earned his trust. unfortunetly, the other cats all terrorized him. its not all their fault. they tried to play with stevie but stevie wanted nothing to do with them. eventually, they got tired of trying and they all started ganging up on stevie. it got to the point that stevie started hiding all day again. he wouldnt even come out to eat or potty. so we moved stevie to our bedroom. we bought another litterbox, etc. we keep the door closed at all times. the other cats are'nt allowed in there. stevies a lot happier now. he's become a lot more loving and i like having him near us.

ok. so, the last cat we got we did not adopt. we were actually very happy with 3 cats. we didnt want any more. a friend of mine was moving out of state. she couldnt take her cat. she asked me to take her in. if i didnt take her she was gonna take the cat to a shelter. this cat was also all black. her name is hayden. i just couldnt let her take hayden to the shelter. a lot of people dont like black cats, u know. so we took hayden home. we got her fixed and we declawed her. she was a bit more crazy than our other cats. i think she was prob taken off the street. she's taught our other cats all kinds of bad habits that we are still trying to deal with. but she's really a sweet cat. she's very loveable. she's the only cat that stevie will let near him. i dont know if its because she's black.

anyhow. thats my little family. as you can tell i love cats.

dissed by ex-employer
Current mood: betrayed

I cannot even begin to tell you how upset I am. OK. So, last Friday I submitted my two weeks notice to my employer. She was already expecting this because I was nice enough to tell her that I was looking else where. But when I actually submitted my notice she said that I should just make that my last day. That daycare is going down. Thats why I’m leaving. But I wanted those two weeks so I could say good-bye to the kids in my class. I’m very close to them. So, I was sad that I had to leave earlier than I expected.
Today, Monday, I went back to the daycare with gifts for my class and letters for the parents announcing my departure. I worked hard on those letters. Each letter even had their child’s picture. It was very important to me to be able to say good-bye properly. The girl that I’m closest to wasn’t there.  I kept her gift so I can deliver it personally. (She wasn’t there on Friday either)
Anyways. I just heard from one of my co-workers. Apparently, my boss tore up all my letters and when she heard that I was gonna stop by tomorrow she told them not to let me in.
It seems my boss didn’t like that I put in my letter that it wasn’t my choice to leave early. This is very upsetting to me. It was  really important to me to be able to say good-bye. After everything I’ve done for that daycare (its not fit to be called a school. they barely educate.) this is how I’m treated. My room was practically bare when I got there. I bought supplies, pillows, everything with my own money. And now I cant even give my Gracie her gift. I’m so upset.

my little rant
Current mood: bitchy

hello again. so this actually happened yesterday but i’m just now writing bout it. i was super busy yesterday. had a ton of house work to do an i was doin laundry. we have a condo. we gotta do our laundry in the condo’s laundry room. we live in the unit right across from there. so i usually leave my stuff there an go back an forth. i got stuff to do, ya know. usually its no prob. nobody was even out there. well when i only had 1 load to go i went back out to put it in. my detergent was gone. i looked all over for it thinkin maybe i brought it back in on one of my trips. but, no, it was gone. someone stole it. can u believe that!? who steals detergent? geeze! it was a brand new bottle, too. so i had to put my laundry on hold an go to store and buy more. soooo not fair. what is wrong with ppl!!? that really ticked me off. o well. thats my little rant 4 today.